


Verse 2

by bandsthetic (karasan)



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Friendship, Jealousy, M/M, Secret love, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, Yearning, hopefully a lot of ot7, in which jinyoung is a fic writer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-09-16 14:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karasan/pseuds/bandsthetic
Summary: Fic-writer "lovedefsoul", also secretly GOT7's very own Park Jinyoung lives in the fictional worlds he writes, an alternate reality in which he and Jaebum are in love. But when a phone call from Jaebum leads to a shattering of that fantasy, Jinyoung has to come to terms with the fact that real life and the worlds of his fiction are in danger of colliding.





	1. Fiction

~~‘You look beautiful tonight,’ said Jinyoung, grinning as he watched the bloom of red expand across Jaebum’s cheeks. It might in part have been the wine, but Jinyoung hoped otherwise.~~

~~‘Stop it,’ said Jaebum, fighting a flustered smile and looking at his plate.~~

~~Jinyoung continued to watch him from across the table, with his face glowing against the flickering candle flames. He enjoyed this.~~

~~‘Stop smirking,’ Jaebum ordered. Weakly. He was still blushing.~~

_No._ That was lame.

~~Jaebum’s voice interrupted the steady hum of the engine, but neither of them took their eyes off the road.~~

_And where am I going with that?_

I groan in frustration and throw my head onto my arms, crossed on the desk in front of me. Why is it always so hard to start? I try to think of different possible scenarios: AUs? A Hogwarts AU would be great, if I knew where to start and if so many people weren’t already doing it. A high school AU? A _host club_ AU?

Perhaps I should scrap the idea of AUs altogether for the time being. The last one I wrote used the enemies-to-lovers trope, which is unbelievable, but I had to churn out _something_. I wasn’t convinced, but I had to write like it’s real. _What do I know about real?_

The sudden buzz of my phone snaps me out of my descent into wallowing self-pity and perhaps a writer’s crisis. My eyes snap at the screen, and the name on the caller ID throws my heart into a frenzy. I place my hand over my chest, in hopes that I could still its pounding, before picking up.

‘Hyung?’ I answer, ‘what’s up?’

‘Could I see you for a sec?’ the voice on the other side asks. I think I hear a slight tremble, but I could be wrong.

 _When would I ever say no_ , I want to reply, but instead I nod, forgetting he can’t see me. I quickly recover.

‘Yeah, sure,’ I say, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice. ‘Now?’

‘Whenever’s convenient,’ he says.

I nod again, before slapping my own forehead. ‘Okay, I’ll be right over,’ I say.

I close the incriminating tabs on my laptop, delete whatever draft I failed to write, and throw on a windbreaker. The autumn airs greets me with a snap of cold, as I get into my car and drive over to our usual meeting place.

He’s already there, sitting by himself near the window and looking at the menu, even though he always orders the same thing every time. Even if I didn’t make an effort to remember his order, I’d have to be pretty stupid to not have it memorised by now. I wait outside for a while, trying to steady my beating heart as I see him through the café’s glass doors. When the chime above my head signals my arrival, he looks in my direction and his whole face lights up in a smile.

‘Jinyoung-ah,’ he says in greeting.

He’s only saying my name, but it sends shivers down my spine. I’ve known him for over six years now, so why is it so hard for me to _stop getting excited_ over hearing him say my name?

‘So what’s so urgent?’ I ask, as I take my seat opposite him.

‘It’s not urgent,’ he denies, but I can see he’s positively beaming and excited share whatever news he has with me.

‘You… got a new cat?’ I offer, knowing he wants me to start guessing.

‘I already have five cats,’ he says with a laugh.

My eyes flicker to the scratches on his arm. I’m used to seeing them by now, but I’m still concerned every time a new thin line of darkened red appears. It takes everything in me not to trace the newest one as I voice out my concern over just how often he’s getting hurt by his beloved cats.

‘You’re appearing on _King of Masked Singer_?’

He lets out another laugh before shaking his head.

‘You’re releasing a solo album?’

A light dances in his eyes, but I know I’m getting colder.

‘You’ve been cast for a drama.’

Wrong.

‘You’re moving out of your parents’ place?’

‘Now why would I do that?’ he asks, puzzled.

‘I’m out of ideas, okay?’ I admit, rubbing the back of my neck.

He laughs again, softer this time, and looks up, grinning shyly. He leans forward across the table, and my heart skips a beat. I imagine him closing the distance between us, taking me by surprise. I shake my head, trying to dispel that image, and the yearning it brought with it. Instead, I lean forward too, but I maintain a certain distance. I didn’t trust myself to narrow the gap any further without ruining things.

Jaebum leans forward a little further, and for a single, _stupid_ moment, I think it’s going to happen, only his face tilts to the side, close to my ear, and he whispers, ‘I’ve got a girlfriend.’

Oh, but of course.

He was never mine.

He pulls back, sitting properly in his seat again. The moment that was shattered by his exciting bit of news is completely lost. I take my seat too.

‘Congratulations!’ I say, hoping I don’t sound as dead as I feel.

A very long pause.

I realise he expects me to take it from there, and I oblige.

‘How long?’ I ask.

‘Just today,’ he replies, practically bouncing in his seat.

My brain tries to run at a hundred miles a minute, trying to remember the protocol of best friends sharing updates on their love lives.

‘Uhh… when can I meet her?’ I ask.

He laughs again. He’s grinning so widely now, I wonder if it doesn’t hurt his face.

‘Not so fast, Jinyoung-ah,’ he says.

‘Well, I’m happy for you,’ I lie.

‘I wanted you to be the first to know,’ he says.

That should be an honour, to be his go-to contact. But I can’t help the sinking feeling in my stomach; I hope my face doesn’t reflect it.

 _Get it together, Jinyoung. You’re an actor. Put on a performance._ I perform a congratulatory smile.

When he looks up at me, there’s a sparkle in his eye – no, a light behind it. Something different. Something has changed, and I hope it’s just him, and not us. I admit I’m a little jealous of whoever this girl is.

‘How’d you meet her?’ I ask.

I can tell he’s itching to tell me from the way he leaps to answer the question.

‘I was handing over some film rolls and she was just picking her photos up,’ he said. He shakes his head in wonder, like he can’t believe it happened. ‘I just happened to see some of the photos she took, and she’s really good.’

‘She’s a photographer?’ I ask.

He nods. ‘She does digital photography too, but she says she loves film more.’

The conversation is getting more painful for me, but I can’t let him know that. I can’t let him know it’s killing me that he can’t be mine. I ask him question after question, needling information out of him – information that he would’ve willingly spilled anyway, if he didn’t want to play this game of only answering questions he was asked. It gets more painful as the hours pass, as I learn about this girl I’ve never seen, the girl who has the one thing I couldn’t have, from this day onwards. I’ve always loved acting, but this is taking more energy than I’m used to expending on it.

By the time the sky is the golden and pink of approaching sunset, I’ve learnt her name, that she’s a film major in university, that she loves cats, where they went for their first date, how she loves nature and that they spent earlier today walking around the parks, that she volunteers at an animal shelter… How could he find anyone less perfect? I couldn’t hate her if I tried. And I was trying very hard. Whatever hopes I had of having Jaebum vent his dating woes to me were thrown out the window.

As we’re parting ways, I don’t trust myself to hug him farewell.

‘Jinyoung-ah, is everything okay?’ he asks, concern dimming his eyes.

I nod. I know I should speak up.

‘Don’t worry about me,’ I manage.

‘You look like you’re going to be sick,’ he points out.

Maybe I am.

‘Come on, I’ll drive you home,’ he says.

‘Wait, what?’ I ask, too stunned to protest properly.

He marches me back to my car, and I surrender my car keys into his outstretched hand. I’m keeping my distance, when all I want to do is close the space between us. I want it so badly. To pull him into a hug and cry into his shoulder.

I watch, as if from a distance, as if I were outside my own body, as Jaebum opens the shotgun seat for me, and climbs into the driver’s seat himself. He turns the key, and my engine spurts. He leans over, his elbow on the shotgun seat, and looks up at me. I’m still standing outside my own car.

‘Get in,’ he says. ‘I won’t get us killed, I promise.’

‘It’s not that I don’t trust your driving,’ I protest.

‘You’re not giving me any trouble, if that’s what you’re worried about,’ he says, smiling for good measure. It reaches his eyes, and I feel my heart clench.

‘Jinyoung-ah, you really don’t look good,’ he says, concerned. ‘I should probably drop you off at the doctor’s first.’

‘You don’t have to do that!’ I insist, louder than intended.

He sits back up in the driver’s seat and eyes me sceptically. _Shit_. Shit, shit, shit.

‘I’m fine,’ I say, trying to steady my voice. I don’t want to sound like a maniac.

He doesn’t look convinced, and takes out his phone.

‘What are you doing?’ I ask.

‘Telling Mark and Gyeom to keep an eye on you,’ he says. He looks up at me again. ‘Maybe they can drag you to the doctor’s.’

‘I don’t need a doctor, Hyung,’ I say, and my voice comes out pouty.

‘Suit yourself,’ he says with a shrug. ‘Now get in.’

‘Wait, but what about your car?’ I ask, grasping at any excuse I can think of. Anything to spare me from a car ride with him. I can’t tell if an aching silence or hearing more about his perfect girlfriend would be more unbearable.

‘I can hire a cab, you know,’ he says, like it’s obvious.

A sense of relief ebbs its way into my system, relief that he didn’t say he’d get his girlfriend to pick him up – as if that would make any difference for me. He couldn’t be mine.

He turns on the radio so we don’t have to sit in silence. I vaguely hear the songs, but my brain doesn’t process them. I’m practising dissociation, so I can be the Best Friend Jinyoung to Jaebum, while inwardly wondering if I can be anything more than his best friend. Call me selfish; I know I am. I know I shouldn’t be greedy for more of him than I already have.

‘Ah, what a classic,’ Jaebum says wistfully.

My mind jolts back into the car, and I recognise the song. Beast – now Highlight – sunbaenims’ ‘Fiction’. The lyrics fade into my consciousness.

 _Right now, there are only happy stories here._  
_Our very happy stories here, are different from reality_  
_Are written here, filling up the pages._

The lyrics. It seems like cruel irony that this song should be playing right now. The story of my life.


	2. Sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Now it’s a path of no return  
> I keep getting tired, I can’t see the path in front of me  
> Between calm and passion, which is the answer?  
> Why is my heart ahead of my head?'  
> \- GOT7, "Sick"

‘You look… wretched,’ comments Mark, looking up from his laptop as I step through the door.

Jaebum insisted on following me straight into the dorm, but I made up some excuses so he’d leave me. He took the hint, but seemed a little hurt too. I wish I could cruelly think, _serves him right_ , but all I feel is a dull ache. What if I start pushing him away and am not his best friend anymore?

‘I’m fine,’ I say, but my voice comes out sounding drained and dead.

‘Yeah, and I’m Nora,’ he snaps.

He closes his laptop and crosses the room towards me. Before I know it, I’m being half-dragged and half-led to the sofa.

‘Yugyeom-ah, could you heat up some water?’ Mark shouts into the dorm. ‘Gyeom-ah!’

A disembodied, cute voice answers from the depths of the dorm. I don’t hear the exact words, but Yugyeom appears a while later, dressed to leave.

‘Where are you going?’ asks Mark.

‘Bam’s house,’ says Yugyeom. ‘I’ll be home for dinner, don’t worry,’ he adds quickly.

‘It’s Bam,’ says Mark, ‘you can stay over at his place if you want to.’

Yugyeom positively beams. After setting a pot of water on the stove to boil, he dashes back to his room, probably to pack a change of clothes and his toothbrush – unless he already has some spares at Bambam’s place.

Mark places a hand on my forehead, and before I can voice my protest, he asks, ‘What’s up?’

‘I’m _fine_ , hyung,’ I insist.

‘You stepped through that door looking like you’d collapse any minute,’ he chides.

‘I just need to rest,’ I say.

‘You need food,’ he decides, getting up to tend to the pot on the stove as it comes to boil, washing and chopping up ingredients, and then tossing them in.

‘I’m off,’ says Yugyeom, emerging from his room and heading to the door.

‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ asks Mark, looking up from whatever soup he’s planning to concoct for me, his right hand poised above the pot, tilting a pepper shaker.

Yugyeom obligingly walks over to the stove to give Mark a farewell hug, and then does the same to me. When he pulls away, I see the concern in his eyes. He puts his rucksack down and takes the seat next to me.

‘You look like you’re running away from home,’ I say, observing the rucksack, hoping to lighten the mood.

I can’t take that they’re both looking at me like I’m a casualty. I watch in silence as Yugyeom takes out his phone and texts Bambam. I realise what he’s doing.

‘You’re not cancelling on Bam because of me,’ I say sternly, stopping myself from reaching out to snatch his phone.

‘Mark-hyung can’t look after you all by himself,’ says Yugyeom, trying to be funny.

‘I’m not a baby, and I don’t need taking care of!’ I say, a little too loudly.

I regret it the moment I see the hurt in Yugyeom’s eyes. He looks like a wounded puppy, albeit a very big puppy. I want to kick myself. Why do I keep hurting people and pushing them away? First, I hurt my best friend, and now Yugyeom too. Was I going to push all the members away like this because I’m a little… _lovesick_?

‘Gyeom-ah, you know I didn’t mean it like that,’ I say, resting my hand on his shoulder.

He nods and manages a weak smile. I pull him in for another hug and pat his fluffy hair, hoping he gets the message. I take a while to let go, and I remember with a pang that I didn’t hug Jaebum goodbye. I didn’t trust myself to; I might have crumpled right in front of him.

‘Go on, go enjoy your day at Bam’s,’ I say, ruffling his hair for good measure. ‘I’ll be fine. Mark-hyung can handle me.’

‘Go on, Gyeom,’ Mark encourages, scooping out the soup with a ladle and putting it in a bowl.

Mark crosses the room and joins us, sitting on my other side.

‘Here, drink this,’ he tells me, handing me the bowl. It smells good. ‘Careful, it’s hot.’

‘Chicken soup,’ I say.

‘You’re not leaving my sight until you finish that,’ Mark says firmly. ‘You need some food in you.’

I grumble, but my heart also warms at what my members are doing for me. The dorm’s so quiet now that half the group has moved out, and among the few times it actually gets noisy is when Mark is cursing while gaming, so it’s nice that we’re doing something as the ones left in the dorm. Even if it’s just Mark and Yugyeom looking after what they presume is my ill self.

‘I’m off,’ Yugyeom says, standing up and shrugging his rucksack over one shoulder. He gives me and Mark a one-armed hug in turn, before stepping out of the doorway. Now it’s just me and Mark.

‘So what’s bothering you?’ asks Mark, after five minutes of silence as he watches me cool down my soup.

I consider telling him. I trust Mark won’t be weird knowing about it, but I don’t trust myself to be entirely truthful with him. If I failed to be honest with Jaebum all these years, how can I be honest with Mark on the topic of Jaebum? That’s the problem with me always confiding in Jaebum when it comes to the most private matters: how am I supposed to confide in my best friend when my best friend is the one I want to talk about?

 _Misdirection_ , a voice inside my head whispers. It’s me, but not me. Maybe I’m going mad.

Would I do that to Mark, who’s never done anything wrong? Who’s only trying to look out for me?

It’s easier, sure. I can trust myself to be more honest if I’m telling our story under the veil of different identities. But would it be fair on Mark, or on anyone else I confide in? If I keep spinning lies, all I’m going to do is tangle up everyone close to me. I need to separate fiction from reality – I have to stop living my life through fiction. Besides, look where it got me: pining after my best friend, who can only be mine in the worlds I write.

I don’t want to disrupt the harmony of the group. I tell myself that’s the only reason I won’t be entirely honest with Mark, that I’ll tell him a veiled tale. But I can’t live through lies alone… I’d implode. I need someone – someone apart from Jaebum – I can be completely open with…

 _Act_ , I tell myself. _Let Actor Park take over. This is just another stage. Tell a story in real-time._

I feel a part of me take a step back, letting lovedefsoul and Actor Park meet in the middle. These sides of me I’d always kept separate need to sort this out together. I feel a fission inside me, but I tell myself it’s a necessary evil. _Do it for the group. Do it for Jaebum._

 _Do it for yourself._ That voice again.

I take a deep breath. I let lovedefsoul spin his tale, and Actor Park get ready to play his role.

‘There’s this girl,’ I begin, surprised by how easy it is to tweak things a little once I put my mind to it.

Mark leans in attentively.

‘She’s my childhood friend,’ I tell him. Replacing names and switching characters is easy. ‘We’re really close, and I’ve always secretly liked her.’

Not a lie.

_Jaebum’s not my childhood friend._

A harmless tweak, I insist to that voice.

‘I met her today, and…’ I pause, reliving the moment Jaebum broke the news to me. I feel my heart clench again, and make sure my face reflects it. ‘She told me she’s seeing someone.’

A moment of silence for a love I can’t attain.

‘Oh bro, I’m sorry,’ says Mark, reaching out to give my shoulder a squeeze.

‘She was so excited to tell me,’ I continue. Now I can’t stop. I need to confide in someone, even if it’s through a veiled narrative. Through a blend of truth and lies – no, a tangled mesh that makes them impossible to separate.

‘So you had to sit through hearing her tell you about him?’ asks Mark.

I nod and let out a deep sigh. ‘More like, she wanted me to ask her questions about him, and I obliged.’

Mark frowns.

‘I mean, I don’t blame her,’ I jump to this friend’s defence. ‘That’s just how she is. I guess she didn’t want it to seem like a one-sided rave about the… boy of her dreams.’

I realise that was what Jaebum was doing, making me play guessing games and ask him questions. It was for my sake, but he didn’t know it was killing me inside. How could he know if I keep feelings locked up, only unleashing them in fiction, where I can be in control?

‘Well, I can’t exactly urge you to tell her your feelings, since… that would make things weird, with her guy and all,’ says Mark, ‘but if that’s what you feel might be best, just go ahead.’

‘Go ahead and tell her?’ I ask in disbelief.

‘You’ve been friends since you were kids, right? It shouldn’t be too big a problem, like I don’t think she’d shut you out of her life for being honest.’

I balk at the thought of being honest with Jaebum on that note, and my face reflects it.

‘Hey, it’s just a suggestion,’ says Mark, not unkindly. ‘How you want to handle this situation is up to you. I’m just here to listen. I won’t give suggestions if you don’t want any.’

He takes the bowl of soup from my hand, which I forgot I’m still holding, and places it back on the table. I feel bad for forgetting his soup, and pick it back up to drink it. I feel him gently pat my head. It’s comforting, and warms me up more than his soup.

‘Is this where I can half-humorously say, don’t worry, you’re gorgeous and you’ll find someone?’ he says with a smile.

I smile back at him. ‘I want only her,’ I declare between spoonfuls of soup. I want only _him_. It surprises me how easy it is to open up. Sort of.

Mark shrugs, like it can’t be helped if that’s what I’ve decided. I decided it years ago, perhaps when I started working with Jaebum as JJ Project, or perhaps even earlier. How far we’ve come… I remember the first time I noticed him at the JYP auditions, when we were just fifteen. He was beautiful then; he’s still beautiful now.

And here we are now.

Here _I_ am now: Jaebum is in front of me, walking ahead, and all I’m doing is trailing behind him, reaching out at his back, chasing and trying to grasp this illusion, this fantasy, that JJ Project is more than just a unit, that we’re more than colleagues turned best friends. And all the while, the distance between us is growing, because something is pushing me back - more like I'm pulling myself back even as I try to touch him.

I’m being greedy again.

I appreciate that Mark doesn’t tell me off for being unrealistic or selfish. I know how unrealistic I’m being. To have Jaebum for myself now would mean hurting this girl I’ve never met. Why does my happiness have to come at the expense of someone else’s? Why is love like that? Maybe that’s why I stick to fiction, so the hurt is contained in what I write – but then I realise, happiness is too.

If Jaebum can’t be mine in real life, he’ll be mine in the stories I write. The two of us exist in fiction: we, as how I want us to be, exist only in fiction.


	3. Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'A forever sworn friendship  
> Sharing both happiness and sadness  
> We are always together  
> At anxious nights and sleeping mornings  
> all that matters is my life-long friend that I met by chance.'  
> \- 'Friendship', FTIsland

Jaebum let out a curse and dropped the knife. Jinyoung didn’t even need to ask what that meant. He took off his gloves and abandoned the chicken he was marinating, to walk over to the counter and inspect Jaebum’s cut. He pulled Jaebum’s index finger away from his mouth, and watched as a streak of red appeared again.

‘It’s not a deep cut,’ said Jaebum. ‘It was more of the shock.’

Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile as he scoured their room for a plaster. They needed to get dinner ready before the kids came back and started wreaking havoc, especially Yugyeom and Bambam. Jinyoung made Jaebum place his cut finger under running water, and watched him squirm and curse as Jinyoung dabbed medication on the cut.

‘You don’t have to make a fuss out of this,’ Jaebum said through clenched teeth.

‘It’s fun,’ Jinyoung replied, failing to stop himself from laughing.

‘What’s fun?’ asked Jaebum.

‘Watching you squirm like a kid over medication.’

Jaebum rolled his eyes. Once Jinyoung was done applying the plaster, Jaebum returned to the chopping board. He looked up at the clock to see how much time they’d lost.

‘Five minutes left,’ he said, barely managing to stop himself from cursing again.

Jinyoung wondered how Jaebum managed to keep his potty mouth under control around the kids. When it was just the two of them, Jaebum swore a blue streak at the littlest of things.

‘You pick up the kids today,’ said Jinyoung, eyeing Jaebum’s injured hand and tossing the car keys at Jaebum, who caught them with his uninjured hand and gave a triumphant smile.

‘Show off,’ said Jinyoung, rolling his eyes.

Jaebum didn’t wipe that smirk from his face as he took off his apron and made his way to the front door and showed himself out, knowing it annoyed Jinyoung but not really.

_But what’s the plot?_

I sigh and swing my roller chair so I’m facing away from the glare of my laptop screen. I cover my face with my hands and muffle a groan. I need to stop doing this, to stop treating my writing as some sort of… coping mechanism. I log out from lovedefsoul.

I need some fresh air.

It’s been exactly four months since the day Jaebum first told me about his girlfriend.

I feel my throat constrict the moment the thought enters my head. I _really_ need some fresh air.

I hurry out of the dorm, careful not to wake Mark and Yugyeom up. We have dance practice in the afternoon, and I need to sort out my thoughts before I see Jaebum with the members. I find I always need to prepare myself for when I’m seeing Jaebum, either by himself or with the members. I haven’t had to meet the girl yet, and I hope I never have to.

It’s like seeing her would set it in stone: the fact that Jaebum isn’t mine. That he can never be. I can’t be lovedefsoul once I meet her in the flesh. I won’t be able to live in that fiction anymore. I’d run out of words to build my digital refuge of denial and fulfilled yearning. I’m playing a dangerous game with myself.

I keep my hands clenched in my pocket as I walk about the streets in the cold. I’ve put on a face mask, hoping no one will recognise me in the dim morning light. I just need some time alone to mull over my thoughts. As I’m walking along the park, trying to ignore the cold that’s crept its way into my bones, I hear an only too-familiar voice call my name.

I assume it’s just because I’m thinking about him, so I continue looking at the ground as I walk.

‘Jinyoung-ah.’

Nope, definitely not in my head.

I tilt my head up and see Jaebum hurrying towards me. I feel at once the overwhelming urge to run to him and the urge to turn and bolt in the other direction, but I’m just glued to the spot in my indecision.

‘Hyung, what are you doing here?’ I ask, as he stops in front of me.

‘I wanted to surprise you guys at the dorm before practice,’ he says.

That’s when I notice his hands are full; he’s carrying several shopping bags, all filled with food.

‘Did you _walk_ all the way here?’ I ask.

He shakes his head, laughing. ‘I parked my car over there near the convenience store.’ He lets out a puff. ‘I forgot that we didn’t – that you guys don’t – live _that_ close to it.’

‘The store in smack in the middle of the park, hyung,’ I remind him, and I find a smile creeping its way up my face.

I forgot how much I miss him, how much I miss being able to be like this with him. Comfortable. Old friends who’ve known each other since we were trainees.

‘I’ll give you a hand,’ I say, snapping out of the beginnings of a reverie.

I ignore his instinctive protests as I take a few bags from him. Curious, I peer into the bags I’m holding; I see all kinds of chips, canned soups, and packets of instant ramen. I recognise the outlines of juice packets and a few soju bottles in the bags he’s holding.

‘Are you trying to feed a village?’ I ask in good humour as I lead him to the dorm.

He playfully shoves his shoulder into mine, and I do it back to him. With all my trying to evade alone time with him as much as possible, I’d forgotten how much my real life relationship with Jaebum has been a huge part of my life. Suddenly, I want to drop the shopping bags and hug him, to show him how thankful I am to him, for his friendship, for his presence.

‘You okay there, Jinyoungie?’ he asks.

I realise in horror that I really did just give him a long, tight hug, but it doesn’t hurt this time. This time, it feels like all our other hugs before: comfortable. Without the weight of my feelings making me analyse my every move.

I pull away, remembering myself and blushing.

‘I just… miss you, that’s all,’ I say.

He hugs me back as much as he can while holding his shopping, and I wish time would stop so we could be frozen like that for a little longer. ‘Well, I miss you too.’

He takes back the shopping bags I’m holding as I open the front door to let us in.

‘I kind of miss all of us staying together,’ he admits.

I smile. ‘Can’t get any privacy though.’

‘Can’t get bored either.’

‘Hyung?’ comes Yugyeom’s voice from the living room. He’s in his pyjamas, seated on the floor in front of the TV. There’s a bowl of cereal in his lap.

He places his cereal on the table and scrambles, literally _scrambles_ like an excited overgrown puppy, to his feet and dashes over to us. Jaebum passes me the shopping, bracing himself for Yugyeom’s tackle-hug. He gets tackled all right; Yugyeom nearly knocks him off his feet and out through the open doorway in his excitement.

‘Whoa you guys, I didn’t come back from war,’ says Jaebum, patting the back of Yugyeom’s head.

‘What’s the occasion?’ asks Mark, emerging from his room.

Unlike Yugyeom, Mark calmly walks over to Jaebum to give him a hug in greeting, but I can see the warmth in his smile.

‘I just… missed hanging out,’ admits Jaebum. ‘We only see each other during schedules most of the time.’

‘That’s still a lot of time,’ Mark reminds him, ‘but yeah, it would be nice if all seven of us could do something without the cameras rolling.’

‘Important question: when will all of us be free?’ asks Jaebum.

‘Jackson’s due to arrive just before practice,’ says Mark.

‘What are you planning?’ I ask Jaebum.

‘I was thinking, maybe a road trip, or going camping, just something we can all do together without being given missions or the cameras rolling,’ says Jaebum. ‘It’s been a while.’

‘We _could_ travel,’ agrees Mark.

‘Not too far away and not too long,’ I remind them.

‘We could just have a staycation,’ suggests Yugyeom.

‘I want the others to pitch in on this,’ decides Jaebum, taking out his phone.

‘Jackson’s probably on his way to the airport now,’ says Mark, checking his watch.

Jaebum takes out his phone and starts typing something. I wonder if he’s texting his girlfriend, when I hear my phone ping with a notification. The others’ phones go off too, so he must’ve said something in our group chat. I take my phone out of my pocket and see that he’s taken the liberty to invite Bambam and Youngjae over the dorm before this afternoon’s dance practice.

Jackson sends a sad emoji into the chat.

 _Can we do this when I’m around?_ asks Jackson.

 _Kekeke_ , types Youngjae, replying to Jackson.

 _I’ll be right there_ , types Bambam.

 _I hope the neighbours don’t complain_ , writes Youngjae, inserting a laughing emoji.

Mark takes the lead in picking up the shopping bags that Jaebum and I dropped on the floor the moment Yugyeom tackle-hugged Jaebum, and moves them over to the counter. The rest of us help, as he empties the shopping bags and starts sorting them out into different piles: either for keeping or for our little ‘party’ before practice.

‘Soju?’ asks Mark, bemusedly holding up a bottle in each hand. ‘Jaebum, you know how Jinyoungie is when drunk. He’ll knock into everyone during practice, at best.’

‘He might climb to the top of the building during breaks,’ Yugyeom chimes in. ‘We’d have to run after him so he doesn’t tip off.’

‘Hey!’ I protest, as Jaebum lets out a hearty laugh.

‘It’s funny watching him get drunk, but we’ll save that for _after_ practice,’ decides Jaebum.

He gives my shoulder a squeeze, and I don’t know if it’s that or the thought of me being drunk around Jaebum nowadays that’s making my stomach churn. I can’t trust myself drunk around Jaebum, especially not these days; I might do or say something that drives a rift between us.

Yugyeom’s already made for the juice packets, and starts distributing it to the rest of us so he can drink his own. Mark pops a bowl of popcorn kernels into the microwave, while Jaebum and I sort out the snacks. We decide on four packets of chips.

‘How are we settling lunch?’ I ask him.

‘We can have these,’ he jokes, indicating the packets of chips that we’d set aside for _not_ eating.

I stare at him, my mouth wide open, ready to tell him off, when he bursts out laughing.

‘I’m kidding,’ he tells me, ‘we’ll have the ramen I bought.’

I’m slightly appeased.

‘You guys have eggs?’ he asks.

I nod. ‘I’ll cook the ramen if you do the dishes,’ I tell him.

‘Deal,’ he says, clapping me on the back.

The microwave beeps, the doorbell rings twice to announce Bambam and Youngjae’s separate arrivals, and Yugyeom starts squabbling with Bambam over which video games to play.

‘Kids, behave,’ I tell them, as I make my way over to the unruly group with a bowl of buttered popcorn.

Jaebum follows right behind me, carrying stacked glasses in one hand and a bottle of apple juice in another. I take the stack of cups from him, and when our fingers brush, I have to stop myself from getting too pleased. It’s nothing, after all. Not when I’ve hugged him so many times and held his hand for the fun of it.

‘You okay there?’ asks Jaebum, and I mentally curse myself for letting my guard down.

‘I just miss Jackson,’ I tell him. Or rather, Actor Park tells him.

It’s just so easy to be myself with Jaebum that I forget I’m supposed to be putting on a performance for him. He smiles and bumps his shoulder into mine again, but this time, I don’t do it back. All I do is smile as I start pouring juice and passing the glasses to everyone.

‘Okay Mum and Dad,’ says Bambam, ‘we’ve picked our teams and you’re the only ones left.’

‘What?’ asks Jaebum.

‘Not fair,’ I protest. ‘We were busy getting the food ready.’

Mark lets out his signature laugh as he bumps fists with Youngjae.

‘You can’t both be on the same team,’ I protest to Mark and Youngjae, ‘that’s unfair.’

Bambam chimes in again, unnecessarily, ‘Life’s not fair.’

‘You’re grounded,’ I decide, and everyone bursts out laughing, including Bambam.

‘Don’t underestimate JJ Project,’ says Jaebum, suddenly holding my hand.

I fight the sudden flutter in my stomach as I raise both our hands over our heads, as if declaring victory.

‘We’ve been working together longer than any of you,’ I add.

‘You’re also bad at these games,’ says Bambam.

Jaebum doesn’t look amused.

‘Okay, now you’re really grounded,’ I say, and Bam starts to protest.

‘Let’s just start the game,’ says Youngjae over the noise, before everyone gets too unruly.

I glance at Jaebum and see he’s smiling ever-fondly at Youngjae. I wonder if I get like that when I look at him while he’s unaware.

‘JJ _Parents_ ,’ says Yugyeom boldly, ‘stop staring at each other and start the game.’

I fight back the rising heat that threatens to take over my face as I comment, ‘Well, you’re learning from Bambam.’

‘Maybe you should ground him too,’ suggests Jaebum, with a wicked grin.

Still not letting go of my hand, he leads me to the front of the cluster of our members and starts the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry nothing much happens in this chapter. I just wanted a bit more 'screen time' for the other members (don't worry, Jackson will make his appearance soon! I haven't forgotten about Wang gae!). I thought it would be good to have a slightly more light-hearted chapter as a break from Jinyoung's tendency to let his thoughts and inner turmoil take over. I hope you liked reading this! <3


	4. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Jealousy  
> Not me but another person  
> Just stop talking about them Stop it'  
> \- Monsta X, "Jealousy"

Getting to the JYP building was an absolute mess of all of us trying to decide who would go in which car, and how Youngjae and Bambam would get back to their homes if they left their cars in our carpark. In the end, Mark decided to drive Yugyeom and Bambam in his car – despite Bam’s protests – and I hopped into Jaebum’s car with Youngjae.

Youngjae conks out as soon as Jaebum gets us out of the park, and Jaebum and I sit in silence. I’m still buzzing from our little dorm party, especially from every time Jaebum spontaneously hugged me when we finally scored a few points. We still landed last place, but I was so giddy from the hugs and Jaebum was just having fun playing, that neither of us cared about rankings.

‘We should do this again when Jackson’s around,’ I say.

Jaebum nods. ‘Maybe we can compete in something the two of us don’t suck at next time,’ he says with a chuckle.

‘Yeah,’ is all I say in response, smiling distractedly.

Since he has his eyes on the road, I turn my head slightly to admire him in silence. I think of that time we played in the obstacle course for one of our reality shows: we’d all split into pairs to get through the course, and Jaebum and I had gone in together. The thrill of being paired with him when competing with the members makes me think of parents competing with their children, and it’s a feeling I hope I’ll never tire of.

We arrive at the JYP building too soon, and I no longer have an excuse to keep (subtly) glancing at Jaebum every chance I get while he has his eyes on the road and is too occupied to notice me. At least, I’m hoping he doesn’t notice me. I step out of the car while Jaebum tries to wake Youngjae up. I wait for the car carrying the other members to pull in to the driveway, and by the time Youngjae groggily steps out of the car while rubbing his eyes, I see it. Marks steps out last, while the two youngest practically leap out and race each other to the rotating glass doors.

‘Hey, save that energy for practice!’ Jaebum hollers after them, but they either don’t hear him or ignore him. Probably the latter.

Youngjae lets out a laugh and stretches the sleepiness out of his limbs. He ambles over to join me and Jaebum near the entrance while Mark locks his doors. The four of us troop into the building and head for the practice room, where I get the breath knocked out of me by a very happy albeit tired-looking Jackson.

He takes a while to hug all of us in turn before Jaebum finally gets everyone to calm down and get into position. The rest of us position our phones in front of the mirrors, while Jaebum himself connects his to the sound system. Seeing as the two youngest appear to be in an unruly mood, Jaebum leads the whole group in the warm-ups, before he plays the song and rushes to get into position with the rest of us.

I lose track of how long we get into the rhythm of our practice routine: dancing, watching and critiquing our performances as we watch them on our phones, dancing again, watching a newly-recorded video… The familiarity of it steadies me, even as my heart is pounding from the exertion. Since Jaebum’s phone is plugged into the sound system, he stands next to me and watches the videos on my phone. I’m a little too aware of his hot breath near me, his entire presence so close we’re almost touching, and it drives me crazy. And the fact that it drives me crazy frustrates me, since he’s been hugging me every now and then since our morning of playing and losing games against the others.

When Jaebum finally claps his hands once and decides we should all take a break, I make a beeline for the wall and flop on the floor with my back against the cool mirror. Even when I’m supposed to be cooling down, the fact that Jaebum decides to take a seat right next to me sets my heart racing all over again. He claps me on the shoulder.

‘Good job,’ he says.

I try for a smile. Being Actor Park at dance practice isn’t going to be easy.

'Have you told the others?’ I ask.

He shakes his head. ‘I never know when to do it, or where to start.’

‘It doesn’t have to be a formal announcement.’

He shrugs. On the inside, that gives me some sort of relief – which I can’t understand – as if, the less people he tells about his relationship, the less real it is.

Wow, I’m an idiot.

‘Anyway, I’d like you to meet her,’ says Jaebum.

I feel my heart stop and freeze over. _Meet_ her? So much for living in denial and hoping it isn’t entirely real. The moment I meet her, this fragile world of denial I’ve been hiding in is going to shatter.

Jaebum notices my expression right away. Actor Park isn’t doing a very good job today.

‘You okay, Jinyoungie?’ he asks, knitting his brows. ‘Do you need a longer break?’

‘I’m – no – it’s fine,’ I manage.

He doesn’t look convinced, and leads me to one of the corners. We both sit down with our backs against the wall, our shoulders touching. I hope he doesn’t notice the sound of my heartbeat, because its deafening to me, pounding in my ears. I feel his hand on the side of my head, tilting it towards him so the sides of our heads touch.

‘Remember when we used to sit like this, back when it was just JJ Project,’ he says.

I feel the heat rise to my cheeks, and I’m relieved I can use practice as an excuse to explain it away. I nod. He pats the side of my head, and finally takes his hand off. I’m relieved but also wish we could stay like that a little longer.

 _Back when it was just JJ Project_ , he said. Back when it was just the two of us and this ugly feeling didn’t threaten to bubble inside me at every thought and mention of his significant other. I miss it too.

We sit in silence for a while, side by side. I lean with my back against the cold polished walls of the practice room.

‘There’s this amusement park I wanna go to,’ begins Jaebum, and I’m taken aback, wondering where he’s going with this. ‘Could you do me a favour and come along?’

He asks this shyly, and I’m even more confused. I’ll admit my heart leaps a little at the thought that it might be just the two of us.

‘I couldn’t risk getting caught with just a girl in a place like that,’ he says.

Moment shatters.

 _But, of course_.

How could I be so stupid to think it would be just JJ Project at the amusement park? Just because we’re reminiscing the old days?

‘I promise it won’t be awkward,’ he continues. ‘It’ll be the three of us – like high school friends hanging out after class.’

I don’t know if it’s me or Actor Park who says, ‘So… I’m the high school trio’s third wheel?’

I hope it comes out humorously, but I don’t miss the pain in voice, or the hurt reflected in his eyes. I feel a pang of guilt mingle with the jealousy I didn’t realise I was trying to keep at bay.

Jealousy because it’s not just the two of us anymore. Jealousy because the reason he asked me to the amusement park is so he can throw nosy reporters off their trail, so that articles don’t surface about GOT7’s JB being caught on a date in such a public space. It makes me wonder how he avoids drawing attention to himself and his girlfriend on their other dates. I don’t want to know.

‘Hyung, you know I didn’t mean it that way,’ I try to tell him.

He shakes his head. ‘It’s okay. If you’re not comfortable with it—’

'I’ll do it,’ I say, a little louder than intended, before I can stop myself, and stand up suddenly.

_What?_

Jaebum looks just as taken aback as I am at myself.

What’s going on in my head? How did I agree to it? Is Actor Park taking over or is it – I shudder internally at the thought – lovedefsoul?

The thought of an amusement park date, if I could partially remove his girlfriend from the picture – the thrill of the idea is definitely lovedefsoul’s doing. I’m trying to fictionalise it: an amusement park date between JJ Project, a high school AU – the possibilities are endless in fiction, even if not in reality. In real life, there’s just me, accompanying Jaebum so it doesn’t look too much like he’s on a date. There’s me accompanying him so the three of us can look like old friends having fun, even if meeting her will cement the fact that Jaebum is out of my reach. Even if meeting her might mean the end of lovedefsoul.

Jaebum recovers as I’m losing myself in thought, and stands up to give me a tight hug. As I’m wishing we could stay like that forever, he lets go and claps his hands to get the others’ attention. Break’s over.

*

I’m wandering around the building like a madman on the run. I can’t let myself be cornered alone by Jaebum during breaks anymore, especially not when I’m spiralling into this turmoil no one else can see. I feel my throat constrict, and I need fresh air. Badly.

I rush to the lift and blindly punch a random floor, putting as much space between myself and Jaebum as possible. He’s not going to be pleased if I go AWOL for so long, but I can’t help it. I’ll let my future self – even if that self is in a few hours at most – deal with a miffed Jaebum.

As I rush out of the lift, eyes cast downwards, I immediately bump into someone, and I recognise his voice immediately.

'Are you okay?’ he asks, concern filling those puppy-eyes, even though I’m the one who crashed into him and nearly knocked him off his feet.

‘I’m fine,’ I tell him.

He’s clearly not convinced. Actor Park is really not doing a good job today.

He places a hand gently on my back and guides me along, right to the balcony. The midday sun is almost blinding after the electric dimness of the corridors, and it takes a while for my eyes to adjust to it.

‘So, what’s bothering you?’ asks Wonpil, pulling up a couple of chairs and making me take a seat before he lowers himself into the other chair.

I nearly slap myself. Of course, Wonpil should’ve been someone I talked to about Jaebum. Even if he’s a labelmate, we’re not in the same group, and we’re good friends. Although we’re hardly in the same country most of the time, given we’ve both been on and off tours these past few months, we usually keep in touch through phone calls. Maybe I’ve been too busy retreating into my online guise as lovedefsoul that I haven’t been calling him up lately.

Wonpil waves his hands in front of me.

'Are… you there?’ he asks. ‘Wow, you really _are_ out of it.’

I give my head a quick shake.

'Sorry, Wonpil,’ I say, ‘it’s just that… there’s been a lot going on.’

'Anything you want to tell me?’ he asks.

I should. I nod wordlessly.

‘You see, it’s about Jaebum-hyung,’ I tell him, lowering my voice.

I don’t miss the change in his eyes, the sparkle that threatens to spread to the rest of his face as his lips tremble into a smile – or a smirk.

‘It’s not _entirely_ what you’re thinking,’ I protest.

‘Come _on_ Jinyoung, I’ve seen the way you look at Jaebum-hyung,’ he laughs.

I feel my face heat up. I don’t recall ever discussing Jaebum with Wonpil in private, but I guess if he’s already more or less picked up what I never told him, it’ll make my job easier. That is, provided he doesn’t tease me to no end.

‘Okay, so what do you know that I haven’t told you, Kim Wonpil?’ I ask.

He laughs again, adding to my suspense.

‘Well, you’re obviously into him,’ he replies.

I feel my heart drop right through my stomach.

‘How obvious, exactly?’ I ask cautiously.

‘It’s obvious to me,’ he says with a shrug. ‘It’s one thing to have that yearning voice when you’re singing, but it’s like I _see_ that yearning written all over your face when you look at him.’

I put my face in my hands as I muffle a groan. ‘Please tell me you’re the only one who’s noticed.’

‘Well, I don’t go around _asking_ , Jinyoung,’ he says, amused.

I’m relieved that at least I’m not a subject of discussion in JYP, but it doesn’t assure me much. It could either mean that Wonpil’s the only one who’s picked up the cues on my face, or everyone else has but no one discusses it. I feel my heart stop as I wonder, _what if Jaebum has picked up those cues?_

‘So yeah, about Jaebum-hyung?’ Wonpil reminds me.

I breathe deeply and tell him, ‘He’s got a girlfriend.’

I’m not looking at him, but I can see Wonpil’s jaw drop as he stares at me.

‘And he’s asked me to go to the amusement park with the two of them to throw the paparazzi off,’ I continue.

‘Well, don’t do it,’ says Wonpil, like it’s obvious. ‘Tell him you can’t make it that day. Make up _some_ excuse.’

‘So I don’t give myself away?’

He nods.

‘Glad to see how much faith you have in my acting,’ I snap.

‘Actor Park would be defenceless against something as real as this,’ he chides. ‘I’m pretty sure both Jaebum-hyung and his girlfriend won’t miss the _genuine_ envy that’s going to be written all over your face.’

_It isn’t going to be envy; it’ll be full-blown jealousy. The green-eyed monster._

We sit in silence, Wonpil watching me as he waits for my reply.

‘There you are,’ another voice shatters the silence, and my heart pounds in excitement, in longing, in the fear of being found out. Wonpil almost jumps out of his seat.

‘I was wondering where you wandered off to,’ says Jaebum, stepping into the sunlight. ‘Are you okay, Jinyoungie?’

I nod, because that’s all I can do.

After a quick exchange of greetings with Wonpil, Jaebum puts a hand on my shoulder, gives it a little squeeze, and leads me back to the lift. We’re in that lift alone for minutes that feel achingly long, and I hope desperately, _madly_ , that he doesn’t bring up his girlfriend. I’m relieved he doesn’t.

 _Don’t bring her up_ , I will him. _Don’t mention her. Don’t talk about her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry I took a while to update this chapter. But it's a little longer than the earlier ones, in hopes of making up for taking some time. I hope you like it!


	5. The Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The lights on the street are shaking like they’re dancing  
> My head is full and I am more drunk  
> The night is trying to attract me more  
> Looks like you look blurry”  
> – FTIsland, “The Night”

With practice done for the day – or night, rather – it’s well past eight o’ clock. Jaebum suggests we get a barbecue dinner and soju together. My immediate thought is that I could drown out and numb whatever’s going on in both my head and my heart in soju, and I voice my agreement before the rational part of me could keep me in check. Of course, only after I agree do I regret it. I’m going to do something dumb. I always do something dumb when I’m drunk.

 _Then don’t get drunk, you idiot_ , the voice in my head snaps.

If only it’s that easy. Knowing my mood these days, I’ll probably drink to forget everything, including myself. I hope for everyone’s sake, my own included, that the only stupid things I end up doing amuse the hell out of everyone so they never let me live it down. Maybe I’ll climb on the table and dance like an old man until they drag me back to the dorm.

At the restaurant, the soju and raw meat take a while to arrive. Jackson has the others tell him just what he’d missed at the dorm party this morning; I silently marvel at the fact that it was just this morning I’d bumped into Jaebum in the park and walked back to the dorm with him. Could all this – the nostalgic walk, the video games where we both lost to the others, the dance practice, him asking me to follow him to the amusement park to cover his date, me trying to escape being alone with him by wandering the building – could it all have happened in a day?

I feel someone elbow me, and I’m shaken out of my thoughts. It’s Jackson.

‘You okay, Jinyoung?’ he asks.

I nod. ‘Just tired,’ I say softly.

Well, I wasn’t lying. But we were all tired, and given that Jackson came back from a schedule in Hong Kong, maybe I shouldn’t fall back on exhaustion as an excuse. I wish I could tell him, tell _someone_ , that I’m tired emotionally too.

I hear the loud thump of thick glass on the wooden table. Jackson has set a glass full of soju in front of me, sloshing a bit of the drink onto the table top. The drinks have arrived. I turn and raise my eyebrows at him, and see Jaebum from the corner of my eye as he gets up from his seat and passes the soju bottle across the table at me.

_Wow, these guys really want to see me drunk, huh?_

And yet, maybe a distraction’s just what I need. A different kind of distraction from Jaebum watching me across the table as if not sure what to make of me.

‘Bottoms up,’ I say unenthusiastically, and down one shot.

The others clap enthusiastically and cheer me on, as the soju burns my throat. A good burn. It’ll kick in eventually.

The drink messes with my sense of time as I down another glass. Everything seems to be going slower, the smell of cooking meat and alcohol overwhelming me. The smoke off the barbecue pit in the middle of the table obscures my already-blurry view of Jaebum. Maybe that’s just what I need. Soon enough, I’ll be the silly, happy, slightly embarrassing drunk Jinyoung, and perhaps the members need that; they’ve been seeing a little too much of gloomy, broody Jinyoung these past few months. I down another glass.

I’m vaguely aware of Jackson wrapping the cooked meat in cabbage, and placing turning to me. Smiling, he makes me open my mouth so he can feed me.

‘Does it taste better when I feed you?’ he asks, looking like he’s trying not to laugh at the sheer cheesiness of what he’d just said.

‘He wouldn’t know,’ interjects Jaebum, ‘that’s his first taste of the food.’

Jaebum walks out of his seat to my side, and feeds me some cabbage-wrapped beef. He tousles my hair gently with his elbow, since his hands probably smell like food, and returns to sit opposite me. I’m vaguely aware of him watching me through the faint screen of smoke, and try for a smile as I chew the food.

‘Guys, you don’t have to take care of me,’ I tell everyone at the table, before Mark decides to come and hand-feed me too. ‘Enjoy your dinner.’

‘But you didn’t eat until Jackson-hyung fed you,’ says Youngjae.

‘I’ll manage,’ I say, and to prove it, I reach out for the meat sizzling on the barbecue pit with my bare hands. The others shout in protest, and Jackson tackles me back into my seat.

‘Drunk Jinyoung has arrived,’ Bambam announces dryly.

‘But I want my meat,’ I whine.

‘Here, drink this,’ says Mark, passing me a glass of water.

I obey, but frown at the glass like it’s done me an offence. ‘This isn’t soju,’ I state.

‘I know,’ replies Mark, using his Mum-voice.

It’s only when I’m out of hand that Mark takes over as the designated Mum. I smile, probably looking dopey.

The rest of the night passes with the others, including Yugyeom and Bambam, wrestling my arms away every time I reach for the barbecue pit and trying to shush me when my voice gets a little too loud. They all blur into each other in my vision, and even their voices start to blend into each other. There’s a heavy presence in my head, this weight that’s inhibiting all thought, and despite its weight, it’s strangely liberating. My head is heavy, but my heart hasn’t felt this light in what feels like a lifetime.

I have an arm over Jackson’s shoulder, and another over Mark’s, as Jaebum clears the bill and we step out of the restaurant into the crisp open air. I didn’t realise how stuffy the restaurant was getting until we were outside and the fresh air hit me. I hear the others talking about me, but my brain is running too slowly for me to catch what they’re saying.

Either Mark or Jackson slips out from under my arm, and someone else takes his place. Then, the other one under my other arm slips out too, but no one takes up that spot. His scent is achingly familiar, but I push whatever heaviness that scent brings with it out of my heart. There would be no more heaviness for tonight. This new person slips his hand around my waist and leads me gently, steadily, to the car. I feel myself being seated, I feel hands lift my legs inside the car, and I hear the car door slam next to me. I’m in a state of half-sleep.

Someone climbs into the seat next to me. That scent again. He leans forward and tells the driver the address, and the car sails smoothly away from the restaurant. The city lights blur before my vision in a golden bokeh effect as I ride into the night in silence. I vaguely feel myself being led out of the car again, and supported into a building.

‘Do you have the keys on you?’

I nod.

 _Don’t Mark and Yugyeom have the keys_ , I want to ask, but my speech comes out a complete blur that he probably can’t make head or tail of what I said.

I feel his hands pat me down, trying to feel for the keys in my jacket pockets, and then my trouser pockets. A sudden sharpness cuts through the blurriness of the night, my senses heightened. For a moment that’s gone too soon, I’m too aware of Jaebum’s hand patting my chest, my sides, my hips, my back pockets…

 _It hurts_.

I’m drunk…

Before I can stop myself to think things through, I quickly close the distance between us and our lips meet. Just for a moment. A brief, delicious moment that’s gone to soon. It feels like my heart is to ready to burst from the overload of jumbled emotions. I can’t see his face, or I don’t look at his face, as I slip my arms around him and trap him in a tight hug.

 _I fucked up_ , I think.

But it was worth it, a voice in my head tells me.

_Was it?_

Before I can stop myself, tears trickle out of my eyes and I let out a sob. I feel his hands pat my back awkwardly, trying to comfort me, but he seems dazed. His body is stiff against mine, either to support my drunken self, or in response to the stupid stunt I pulled. I can’t tell. I sob louder and my hands fasten tighter around him. I don’t want to let him go.

My eyelids are heavy as I’m being led into the dorm. I feel someone take off my jacket. Someone helps me force water down my throat, and I gag. I feel someone gently pat my back as I throw up the alcohol I’d intoxicated myself with, just to drown out the heaviness.

I climb into my bed, still in the clothes I wore outside. I’d change my bedsheets and take a proper shower in the morning, if the hangover doesn’t force me to lie in bed all day. Apparently, I climbed a little too far into bed, because my head hits the wall, hard, as I crawl on all fours trying to find my pillow. I think I hear a sigh.

I snuggle under the comfort of my blankets when I feel a hand gently brush the hair covering my forehead, probably feeling for a bump where the wall hit me. A voice whispers something I don’t catch, as sleep tugs me deeper into oblivion.

Before sleep pulls me in completely, I feel a warm presence lie down on the bed beside me.

‘I guess I’ll stay the night,’ are the last words I hear, in surprising clarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thanks so much for your support of my fic until now. It really gives me a little spark of joy every time I see that I’ve received a new comment or a kudos :’) I'm not sure how "convincing" this chapter is in taking on a perspective of a drunk person in "real time" - I've only ever been the happy sort of tipsy, but I've seen my sister wake up from an evening of drinks and not remembering half the things she'd said or done. Anyway, I hope you liked reading this! Amusement park chapter coming up soon~


	6. One Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There’s one word I cannot say,  
> There’s one word I cannot hear,  
> I love you, I love you.  
> I hid those words in my heart,  
> The words that left me in tears,  
> The words that gave me only this pain.”  
> \- FTIsland, "One Word"

When I wake up the next morning, Jaebum is gone and my head is throbbing like someone is repeatedly hammering it. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination, but Jaebum’s scent lingers in my room. And that’s when I remember my reckless, drunken stunt the previous night and wish I could fall through a crack and disappear off the face of the planet. How desperate was I? Jaebum has a _girlfriend_.

Since I’m so good at being honest with my feelings and owning up to what I did, I spend the next four weeks going out of my way to avoid Jaebum. I guess it’s kind of impressive, seeing as I have to see him for group schedules every other day, but I’m good at slipping away during breaks so he doesn’t get the chance to talk to me. I know I can’t keep avoiding him for the rest of our lives, but perhaps just long enough for him to forget the last time he had to deal with Drunk Jinyoung. I’m relieved our agency is planning to push for our solo schedules soon; it would be a good break from having to dodge Jaebum all the time.

At the end of the four weeks, as I’m lying in bed and reading, I hear my phone’s message alert. Fortunately or unfortunately, it’s Jaebum.

 _I miss you_ , his message says. I feel my heart clench.

And another one pops onto my screen: _Let’s meet up soon_.

And another: _Amusement park tomorrow? I know we all don’t have schedules then_.

I type in a quick _OK_ and toss my phone into my laundry basket, before I can regret anything. I return to my book with willed concentration.

*

‘How am I supposed to face her? How can I look her in the eye, knowing I _kissed her boyfriend_?’ I lower my voice for the last part as I walk around in circles, panicking.

‘You were drunk,’ Wonpil offers, sitting on the park bench and holding a hot drink to warm his hands.

‘That doesn’t excuse it,’ I protest. ‘Drunk me should know better.’

‘Drunk you doesn’t know much,’ Wonpil comments, and then adds, ‘no offence.’

I sigh.

‘Do they know I’m coming?’ he asks, probably changing the topic to spare himself from listening to another minute of my monologue.

‘I told Jaebum-hyung I’d be bringing someone,’ I say evasively.

‘He doesn’t know it’s me?’

‘You’re not in GOT7,’ I tell him, ‘it’ll be fine. He just doesn’t want the members to come along because he hasn’t told them yet.’

‘You realise even if I’m not your member, I still know him, right? We’re still labelmates? There was that possibility of me being in the same group as you guys once?’

I remain silent, unable to answer.

‘Just back me up,’ I say, my voice coming out as a whine.

He gives a tiny sigh, but then nods. ‘Right, and what’s the girl’s name again?’

I’ve heard Jaebum talk about her enough to remember. Though I believe I’ve only heard her name once.

‘Hyesun,’ I say.

Wonpil stands up suddenly, looking past me. I spin around and notice Jaebum walking over to us. Only later do I notice the pretty girl a few steps behind him. Her hair is dyed golden, and almost glitters in the sunlight as it falls in slight curls around her shoulders. She’s wearing faded jeans, ripped around the knees, and an oversized sweater that’s unravelling at the seams – and yet she somehow still looks really good (in a not-shabby way) in them.

‘So this is the famous Park Jinyoung you’ve been talking about all the time,’ remarks Hyesun. My heart halts at the thought of what Jaebum could possibly have told her about me, and I hope it didn’t include the last time he had to deal with my drunk self. She pauses, and then rolls her eyes. ‘That’s so dumb, of course Jinyoung’s famous. Too bad that comment doesn’t work when you’re referring to celebrities.’

My jaw drops. She isn’t… quite how I imagined her, for some reason. I feel Wonpil slap me, and I clear my throat.

‘Likewise,’ I say.

She and Jaebum both burst out laughing.

‘Why are you so formal?’ she asks, and I notice her voice is husky.

‘Relax, Jinyoungie,’ says Jaebum, reaching out to give me a pat on the side of my shoulder. Hyesun’s gaze follows his, landing on me, then shifts back to him, but I can’t read her face. For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this and I have half the mind to ask Wonpil to third-wheel on my behalf.

‘Sorry we’re late,’ says Hyesun, ‘we took a while because Jaebum was trying to blend in with his cats.’

‘They know when I’m about to leave,’ he protests.

She shrugs, and turns on her heel. ‘Let’s go,’ she says, and Jaebum follows, careful not to fall into step with her. Wonpil and I follow them, keeping a slight distance.

‘She’s…interesting,’ notes Wonpil.

‘Like I said, I couldn’t hate her if I tried,’ I mutter, ‘and meeting her in person, for a very different reason too.’

*

It turns out four people is just the right number for most of the rides, so we’re always taking an entire row for ourselves, with me and Jaebum sandwiched in the middle, and Wonpil and Hyesun on either side. If I pretend hard enough, I can picture it as just me and Jaebum, sandwiched between solo strangers. In a spur of the moment, I buy one of the printed photos of us on the ride. I have half the mind to crop out just the two of us and hide it in the recesses of one of my drawers – maybe one day, when I’ve forgotten enough, that’s how I can delude myself into ‘remembering’ a day when it was just the two of us at the amusement park. But then again, that would be doing a disservice to Wonpil who I dragged along for support, and Hyesun who’s the one actually dating Jaebum in the first place.

The four of us try to decide between shabu shabu and fast food for lunch as we’re queueing up for the roller coaster.

‘Shabu shabu!’ Jaebum and Wonpil say, their hands shooting up.

Hyesun arches an eyebrow and I quickly mirror her look to hide the fact that I'm internally screaming at how cute Jaebum is, bouncing on the spot like an excited child.

‘Fast food,’ decides Hyesun.

I nod my agreement but don’t say anything.

‘That’s a tie,’ notes Wonpil.

‘We can pretend I didn’t ask you along, so now fast food wins,’ I joke, putting my hands on the sides of his shoulders as if I’m cajoling a child.

He gives me the wounded puppy look, and Hyesun lets out a gasp as she cups her hands over her mouth and squeals, ‘Oh my god, he’s so cute!’ She bounces on the spot and leans into Jaebum. I try not to let that bother me.

‘He did you a favour so his counts for two votes,’ says Jaebum.

‘I support Wonpil,’ decides Hyesun, raising her hand.

‘Excuse me?’ I ask.

‘Can I… pat your head?’ Hyesun asks Wonpil.

‘What?’ Jaebum and I ask simultaneously.

‘So this is what betrayal feels like,’ I mutter, and Hyesun laughs as she plants a few gentle pats on top of Wonpil’s head.

I have half the mind to gorge on oily fast food by myself, eating my way to oblivion in order to stop that image of Hyesun leaning into Jaebum from playing on repeat in my mind’s eye. She’s right in front of me now, a living, breathing person, no longer just a figure from Jaebum’s stories – the very entity that threatens my escapades into fiction. I, as lovedefsoul, am losing control of Jaebum in my writing.

As we get into our seats on the roller coaster, once again with me and Jaebum in the middle and Wonpil and Hyesun flanking us, I try to isolate the two of us. We chug along slowly, rising towards the peak, and the sun bursts out from beyond the cover of the ride’s shelter. I brace myself for the plunge, and as we approach the peak, my hand instinctively holds onto Jaebum’s, tight. I feel him remove his hand from within mine, and I feel the drop in my spirits as the carriage reaches the peak. Then, I feel his hand around mine instead, warm and comforting, as he gives mine a squeeze. Just as I think that moment gives me the courage to tell him, somehow, how I feel, the carriage tips and shoots downward, and the words of confession lodged in my throat come out in a scream of adrenaline.

I guess the ride’s cathartic, in its own way, different from the way tear-jerker films are; I scream in bursts as we zip along the roller coaster’s route, twisting and turning sharply. It gives me an excuse to give my frustration – at myself, at where I am, at Jaebum and Hyesun, at my cowardice – an outlet, masking it with adrenaline. There are tears in my eyes, but I can easily pretend that 1) I’m shaken and/or 2) my eyes are just stinging from the crisp wind as winter approaches.

The four of us walk shaky-legged off the ride. Hyesun stumbles slightly, and I see Jaebum reach out instinctively to support her, but she leans against a wall instead. I feel relieved, and then feel guilty about feeling relieved. It’s going to be a long day.

‘Hyesun,’ Jaebum says, concerned, and I feel a stab in my heart at the way he says her name.

‘I’m fine,’ she says, her eyes shut tight. She puts a hand to her head and gives a weak laugh. ‘I guess I’m just not meant for roller coasters.’

Jaebum walks over to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. ‘Come on,’ he says, ‘let’s get lunch.’

‘I can walk, don’t worry,’ she says, gently sliding his hand off her shoulder, but she still looks a little green.

‘Stop trying to be tough all the time,’ chides Jaebum.

Conceding, Hyesun lets him half-support and half-lead her out of the park. Wonpil and I follow them, and I feel Wonpil place a hand on my shoulder and give me a supportive squeeze.

‘It hurts,’ I whisper.

‘I know,’ he tells me.

I should’ve said something back when I had the chance, back before Hyesun came into the picture. I had a million chances but I always too afraid, and this is my punishment.


	7. Venus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “While asking myself  
> You fade away into the night.  
> It’s painful.  
> Naturally there is always someone important next to you.”  
> \- FTIsland, "Venus"

Wonpil and I sit side-by-side, facing Jaebum and Hyesun at the restaurant. Both to my delight and horror, I’m sitting opposite Jaebum. Hyesun seems more than happy with the arrangement, since she’s admiring Wonpil like a child she’s had the good fortune to babysit. I’m not sure how _he’s_ taking that.

‘When you’re done deciding what flavours of ice cream you’re going to buy Wonpil,’ says Jaebum, amused, ‘let’s place our orders.’

Hyesun jerks suddenly to face him at the mention of ice cream. ‘We should totally get some after this,’ she decides.

‘You’re not spoon-feeding my best friend,’ I tell her sternly, and she laughs it off.

I’m relieved the context makes it sound like I’m referring only to Wonpil, but I’m secretly, hopelessly, banking on her to not spoon-feed Jaebum in that couple-y way either, at least not in front of me. I’m just glad she doesn’t seem like the sappy romantic type, from the few hours of having met her.

As the food cooks in the bubbling pot placed in the middle of the table, I try to keep my gaze on the food, _anything_ to keep my eyes from falling on Jaebum, especially in front of his girlfriend. It’s a lot harder than I thought.

‘Penny for your thoughts?’ asks Jaebum, shattering my concentration on the cooking meat.

Panic. Do I shake my head and tell him it’s nothing? Do I say I’m just waiting for the food to be ready, or that it’s really cold outside so can we please not go back out to the park? Do I say I’m retreating into my mind palace because inspiration for a song struck me?

He waves his hands in front of my face. ‘Jinyoung?’

‘It’s nothing,’ I say, my voice level.

It’s suspicious if I continue to not look at him, so I look up once, and see that he’d risen from his seat; I catch him in time to see him sitting back down. Hyesun’s eyes follow him, flickering briefly toward me. For a moment, it’s that unreadable expression again – a kind of guarded look, but not mistrustful. It must be the look I’ve had on my face all day, and that slightly unsettles me.

Her eyes fall on the shabu shabu, and she announces, ‘Looks like the food’s ready.’

Jaebum and Wonpil both voice their excitement, and Hyesun rises from her seat to start distributing the food. She picks out a large slice of meat and places it in Wonpil’s bowl.

‘Hey, hey, your boyfriend is over there,’ I remind her, pointing at Jaebum, trying not to let the fact that I’d voiced my acknowledgement of their relationship bother me. Or trying not let the fact that I’m bothered influence my voice.

‘I see him all the time, but it’s not every day I see this kiddo,’ she decides.

Wonpil can’t help but laugh. ‘Kiddo? Is it rude if I ask how old you are?’

A sheepish look crosses Hyesun’s face and she goes quiet.

‘She’s younger,’ is all Jaebum says, and Hyesun sends a glare in his direction.

‘You’re what?’ I ask, gaping at her.

‘I’m younger,’ she mumbles. ‘I’m Youngjae’s age.’

‘ _Our_ Youngjae?’ I ask, looking towards Jaebum for confirmation. He nods.

‘You’re… mature,’ I note, turning to Hyesun.

She shrugs. ‘Thanks, I guess…’

Our conversation peters out. It must be the first time I’m talking to her properly and clearly neither of us are doing a very good job.

Wonpil gets up abruptly and starts pouring drinks in everyone’s glasses, in an attempt to dispel the awkward atmosphere that’s settled over us. Following Wonpil’s lead, Jaebum helps Hyesun distribute the food from the pot, and I just sit and watch everyone, not sure what role I’m supposed to play.

As I sit there like a clueless idiot, everyone sits back down and Jaebum says, ‘All right, let’s tuck in.’

Hyesun raises a glass. ‘Cheers,’ she says.

She clinks glasses with Jaebum first while I fumble and try not to knock mine over. She clinks with Wonpil next, and then with me. Our eyes meet and for a moment I feel exposed; her eyes are sharp, scrutinising. Or maybe it’s just my paranoia. I hope it’s just my paranoia.

As if things can’t get any worse, once we’d cleared the bill (Jaebum’s treat, as usual), Wonpil says he has to leave for band practice. In a moment of poorly-concealed panic, I grab his arm with both my hands as he starts to leave, my eyes wide as I meet his.

‘I’m sorry, Jinyoungie,’ he whispers, ‘I can’t stay all day. We’ve got some more tour stops, and I have to fly tomorrow.’

If he’s gone, that just means I don’t have a shield between myself and Jaebum. I feel my grip slacken, and he gently releases his arm from my grasp. He gives me a quick farewell hug and I watch his back as he walks out of the restaurant.

The remaining three of us stand in silence for a while, as if under a spell.

‘I’m guessing we’re not doing round two on the roller coaster?’ says Jaebum, finally breaking the silence.

‘We could call it a day,’ suggests Hyesun. ‘Might be awkward for Jinyoung with Piri gone.’

I recover enough to catch the nickname and say, ‘Hang on, you’re using a nickname now?’

‘Hey, I’m a fan of their music,’ she confesses with a laugh. ‘It’s really something else seeing him in real life.’

‘It’s your call, Jinyoungie,’ says Jaebum.

_Why?_

Why’d he have to throw the burden of choosing for all three of us on my shoulders? Of course I want to go home. Of course I want no part in this date if it means having to watch the man I love with someone else, a visual and physical reminder that he’s out of my reach. Of course I want to stop exposing myself to this pain. But he was so excited about this amusement park date; both him and Hyesun. I couldn’t cut that short, just because I don’t like seeing them together.

Hyesun saves me the trouble of choosing. ‘Let’s all go home. I don’t want to lose my lunch.’

I try not to let my relief show.

‘Are you sure?’ asks Jaebum.

Hyesun nods. ‘We could always do this… another time.’

 _Another time_. I hope they find someone else for that other time. Maybe one of Hyesun’s friends. And yet that pause before she said another time – maybe I’m reading into it, but what could it mean? It sounded almost like she was hesitating.

‘Okay then, let’s go home,’ agrees Jaebum. He turns to look at me. ‘How’d you get here, Jinyoungie?’

‘Uh… cab.’

‘I’ll drive you,’ he says.

‘No, hyung, it’s okay,’ I protest.

‘I don’t think that’s up for debate,’ says Hyesun.

Jaebum nods and points his thumb at her, as if to say she’s right. ‘Come on,’ he says.

As he walks past me to get to the exit, he gives me a few pats on my back. The sensation remains on my back all the way to his car, and then I’m faced with another dilemma: usually I ride shotgun. With Jaebum at the wheel, I always ride shotgun. But I can’t do that anymore, not with Hyesun around. I’m tempted to turn tail and run.

Naturally, Hyesun reaches the car door first, since she’s been walking beside Jaebum and I’ve been trailing behind the two of them.

‘Jinyoung-ssi,’ she says, meeting my eyes, ‘do you want this seat?’

Of course I do. Very much. _Please_.

The sudden formality in how she addressed me throws me off slightly. I realise we hadn’t called each other anything the entire day.

‘I’m good,’ I say, trying to keep my voice calm. ‘Thanks. Hyesun-ssi.’

To prove that I’m fine, I climb into the backseat and fasten my seatbelt. The inside of Jaebum’s car is familiar yet alien: I’ve been inside so many times before and it smells as familiar as him. And yet, I wasn’t in my usual place. My place – always beside Jaebum – is occupied by this young woman I hardly know. It feels like coming home one day to find a stranger in your bed.

As Jaebum pulls us out of the parking lot, I feel the overwhelming urge to reach out and touch him, but with Hyesun next to him, I know I can’t do that. I feel guilty about these thoughts; they’re not mine to think anymore, not with her in the picture. The silence in the car is unbearable. I wish the couple would talk and pretend I’m not there but all they do is sit in silence, their eyes on the road ahead.

‘Let’s see what’s on the radio,’ says Hyesun, suddenly breaking that suffocating silence. She looks at Jaebum. ‘May I?’

I see him give a slight nod, but his eyes are fixed on the road.

Quick light drum beats and what sounds like it could pass off as whistling, interspersed with quiet strings, fill the car. I recognise the song immediately, even before the familiar voice starts to sing.

‘ _We sit next to each other in the car_

_But there is no music._

_I always held your left hand_

_But now you’re picking at your lips_

_I know what you’re going to say, don’t say it_.’

I want to laugh at my luck as I recall the music video. It plays out in my mind, to the pace of the song, but at some point, instead of Dasom’s face, I see Hyesun in that wedding dress. When the three of the main actors stand together, I don’t see Seo In-guk and Ahn Jae-hyun, but myself and Jaebum on either side of Hyesun as she smiles her radiant smile for the camera. I see myself instead of In-guk in the car as he talks to an upset Dasom/Hyesun. I see myself as I tear the wedding photo in two and remove Hyesun from the picture.

 _Please don’t_.

‘What was that, Jinyoungie?’ asks Jaebum, stopping the music and sparing a quick glance at me through the rear-view mirror. My eyes meet the reflection of his.

‘I didn’t say anything,’ I said, shaken out of my own nightmare.

‘You mumbled something,’ he insists.

‘Sounded like the song’s title,’ says Hyesun, talking more to Jaebum than to me.

I must’ve spoken my thought, even if not loudly. I’m half-relieved Hyesun came to my rescue, but as I look at her to thank her, I see her in that wedding dress again – even if it only occurs in a flash and then everything returns to normal – and my heart nearly stops. I just manage to stifle a gasp, but then I notice she has her eyes on me through the rear-view mirror. I’m going to go crazy…

I stare out the window for the rest of the right, trying to maintain a neutral face under Hyesun’s scrutiny in the mirror. I don’t understand why they’re not talking during the ride, but I can’t complain if it means sparing me from talking too. I’m not in the mood to talk. I block out everything – the music, the non-communicating couple, and Jaebum’s scent that fills his own car and surrounds me – as I retreat into my thoughts, undisturbed.

It feels like ages before we pull up in front of my dorm. Yugyeom and Mark have both moved out, so now it’s just me. I’m slightly relieved about that, since it means I’ll be able to step through the front door without the fear of being interrogated by anyone.

‘All right,’ begins Jaebum, but before he can say more, I quickly throw open the car door and scramble out.

‘Thanks, Hyung,’ I say quickly, and maybe a little too loudly. I pause, and add, ‘Bye, Hyesun-ssi.’

She gives me a little wave through the window. I see Jaebum lean forward in his seat so he can be seen through the shotgun window, as he smiles and waves. He gets Hyesun to roll down her window.

‘Take care, Jinyoungie,’ he says. ‘Get some rest. You look a little spent.’

I nod. I wave again as I wait for them to ride off, before I turn and run into the building.

Solitude. Home sweet home.

 

#######

 **A/N:** Hi guys! Thank you so much for all your support for this fic, be it through kudos or comments. It really means so much, and if I wasn't so awkward I'd probably figure out a way to reply coolly to each and every comment. Ok, until next time <3

If you have twitter, feel free to come say hi (I’m a lot more active there). My handle is [@bandsthetic_](https://twitter.com/bandsthetic_) Also you’ll notice that I’m first and foremost a Primadonna – you’ve probably guessed by now, since the past few chapters are framed after FTIsland songs lol oops.

Confession: I only got into GOT7 in June 2018, but I grew very fond of them really quickly. I'm still trying to get to know their music apart from the title tracks and Lullaby, and it would be great to have a few more Ahgase friends since right now my mutuals are largely fellow band-stans and Shawols.


	8. All Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not lonely  
> I say to the night sky without any strength  
> I’m okay today  
> I say to myself over and over again”  
> \- DAY6, "All Alone"

I talk about how much I like the solitude having the dorm to myself now, but do I really? I guess I’m failing to be honest with myself again. As I make my way to my room, the silence of the dorm presses in all around me. I see the ghost of Yugyeom sitting in front of the TV and I see Mark’s afterimage looking up from his laptop to ask how I am. These apparitions disappear as soon as I blink and try to look directly at them.

I catch myself in the bedroom mirror. I look as awful as I feel. Maybe that’s why Jaebum and Hyesun decided we should call it a day. I meet my reflection’s eyes and say, ‘Hey, you did well today,’ without much conviction. Groaning, I toss myself on the bed without bothering to change. I let out the heavy sigh I didn’t realise I’d been holding in all this time, and I feel a bit of weight lift off my heart. Just a little.

I roll onto my tummy and pull out my laptop. I try to start typing, but lovedefsoul is out of my reach, probably killed by the day’s events. I can’t escape into my writing, my fiction, anymore. Not with reality pressing in all around me, all of it in that image of Jaebum supporting Hyesun after the roller coaster. I could scratch out my eyes and that image would remain imprinted in my mind.

I wish I had someone other than Wonpil I can talk to. I pick up my phone and start to type a message to him on the screen, but the words don’t come. What could I possibly say anyway? He’s probably busy with band practice, and I can’t bug him about this. I troubled him enough by dragging him to this date.

The doorbell rings once and the silence that follows is even more noticeable. I ignore it. Am I so starved for company that I’m imagining visitors disrupting my alone time?

There it goes again. Two rings this time. I’m probably not imagining it. Who could it be? A part of me doesn’t want to find out. It’s hard to pull myself out of bed and walk to the front door to let this intruder into my solitary retreat in.

I shake my head at myself. I can’t seem to make up my mind. Do I want the solitude or do I want someone to save me from this loneliness that’s been cocooning me the moment Wonpil left?

Another ring. There’s my answer.

I trudge to the front door and open it without seeing who it is first.

Jackson?

‘Wonpil dropped me a text and said I should keep an eye on you,’ he says.

I nod. So Wonpil has my back, even when he’s not physically here.

‘You don’t look… great,’ says Jackson, as he follows me into the dorm that is now mine. That’s putting it mildly, but I don’t tell him that.

I plop myself down on the sofa, expecting him to follow suit, but Jackson makes for the fridge instead and starts pouring and mixing drinks.

'No alcohol,' I remind him.

He just smirks in my direction, but gives a quick nod and continues playing barista. Once he's done, he carries two glasses over to the sofa, sets one glass on the table in front of us and hands the other to me.

‘Talk,’ he says, not unkindly.

‘It’s…’ I hesitate. I’d be breaking Jaebum’s trust if I tell the members, especially if he’s not ready to tell them himself.

I don’t have it in me to fabricate a veiled narrative and change the characters around anymore, not with lovedefsoul out of action and out of my reach. Probably for good.

‘Jaebum-hyung,’ I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

‘Did you two have a fight?’ asks Jackson.

I shake my head. It’s now or never.

‘You can’t let him know you know this,’ I say, ‘promise me, Jackson.’

He smiles. ‘I promise,’ he says, ‘nothing we talk about leaves this room.’

I relax a little.

‘He has a girlfriend,’ I say, ‘but the thing is, I’ve—’

‘Been in love with him since forever?’ suggests Jackson.

I gape at him.

‘Well, it’s not rocket science,’ says Jackson, grinning slightly.

‘ _That_ obvious?’ I ask, my panic returning. ‘Who else knows? Does Jaebum-hyung know?’

‘It’s not something we talk about,’ says Jackson, ‘I don’t know _which_ of our members have figured it out.’

‘Or which of our labelmates,’ I add glumly.

‘Wonpil?’ he asks, and I nod.

I feel his palm on my head, this fingers lightly spread out, a reassuring weight. I turn to look at him, feeling the heat in my eyes. I blink furiously and try to distract myself by downing the drink.

‘Funny though,’ Jackson says, more to himself than to me, ‘I always thought there’d come a day when you guys become a couple.’

I nearly choke on my drink.

‘Dating a _member_?’ I ask in disbelief. ‘Isn’t that weird? What if it ruins the group chemistry or something?’

He laughs. ‘Now you sound like him.’

I blush. ‘Has he talked to you about it?’

‘No, he never mentioned anything like that,’ Jackson says, probably meaning to reassure me, ‘but…’

He hesitates. _Do I want to uncover this?_

‘But what?’ I ask.

 _Yes I do._ What could he be keeping from me on the note of Jaebum?

‘I was under the impression that,’ he’s talking very slowly, dragging this information out, ‘Jaebum-hyung was into you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry this chapter is really short! The last line just seemed like a good place to end it. I'm already working on the next chapter so hopefully it'll be up pretty soon!


	9. Spark of Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Don't take your eyes off mine once they've met  
> See through these concealed lies of mine  
> I no longer understand boundaries  
> So don't say anything for now.  
> It hurts, I love you so much it scares me”  
> \- 96neko, "Spark of Lies"

_Hey, say something._

We’re frozen in silence, both of us waiting for the other to break it. Jackson finds his drink very interesting, watching the bubbles rise to the surface, and the way the light dances in the glass. I gape at him the entire time. Neither of us talk.

‘What?’ I finally say, after what feels like millennia.

‘I thought Jaebum-hyung was into you,’ repeats Jackson, his voice barely above a whisper, not looking away from his drink.

I feel my heart leap – no, do somersaults. Very happy somersaults. But I can’t get ahead of myself.

‘How…’ I grasp for the right way to do this. ‘How – how did you – come to that conclusion?’

‘It’s just a hunch,’ says Jackson, finally looking at me again and managing a weak smile. ‘Kind of the same way I guessed you liked him.’

‘Similar?’ I ask.

‘No, not similar. You’re both very different in how I picked up those… cues.’

‘Explain,’ I order him, crossing my arms over my chest. I can feel my heart pounding under my arms, threatening to burst right out. And is it getting warmer, or is that just my face?

‘With you, Jinyoung-ah, it’s… your face.’

‘Excuse me?’ I sputter.

Jackson lets out a chuckle before continuing. ‘You have admiration – no, more like pining – written all over your face when you think no one is looking. When you’re looking at Hyung, I mean.’

I nod, but don’t interrupt. I sip some more of Jackson’s mystery mocktail to shut myself up.

‘With Jaebum-hyung, it’s more of how he behaves. He’s a lot more… touchy with you –’

And here’s where I choke on my drink. Jackson thumps me on the back as I try to stop coughing. I could swear he’s trying not to look amused.

‘—compared to the rest of the members,’ continues Jackson, once my coughs die down. ‘Well, apart from Youngjae, but that’s different. Jaebum-hyung treats Youngjae like his son or kid brother. With you, he always seems to be looking for _excuses_ to make physical contact. He hugs you out of the blue, he puts your heads together, or he’ll hold your hand… He does it to the rest too, but usually there’s a reason. Usually with the rest of us, he’s doing it to comfort us or something. But with you, he just… _does_ it. Without reason. I don’t know, Jinyoung, but something about all this – about his girlfriend – just doesn’t make sense to me.’

I think of that time we were filming season 2 of _Hard Carry_ and he sort-of hugged me to grab the tail I was trying to protect, even though I wasn’t his assigned target. I think of those times in dance practice he took me to the side and put our heads together, probably not noticing my pounding heart. I think of the times we argued, and after resolving that fight, he’d take my hand and we’d walk together… Is he like that with just me? Isn’t it because we’ve known each other the longest? Before we were part of GOT7, we were JJ Project.

_But he has a girlfriend…_

‘I… I don’t understand,’ I say quietly.

‘Neither do I,’ Jackson admits. ‘This girlfriend entering the picture really… confuses me.’

I sigh.

‘Maybe we’re just _that_ close,’ I say, accepting defeat.

‘Your friendship had, what, a two-years’ head start,’ argues Jackson, ‘we’ve been a group for five years, Jinyoung-ah.’

 _Don’t give me false hope_ , I want to yell at him. But who am I really mad at here? Jackson? Myself? Jaebum?

Why Jaebum?

_Because I don’t understand him._

What game is he playing?

Silence falls again.

‘Can I just ask you something?’ says Jackson. I nod. ‘Didn’t you ever suspect anything about how Jaebum might like you as more than a friend?’

 _Did I?_ Perhaps I entertained the thought every now and then. But that was all it was: a thought. A fancy. The same way I’d entertain the thought of going on vacation undisturbed, where no one will recognise me, though a little more intense. A game of what if, which never went any further than just a sweet daydream.

‘Jinyoung?’ asks Jackson, after I’ve been quiet for too long.

How do I explain it to him?

‘I liked the idea,’ I admit.

Jackson gives me a look, like he wants me to explain further because I’m not being very clear. I take a deep breath.

‘You know, sometimes Jaebum-hyung does something – like you said, holding my hand for no reason or hugging me out of the blue – and a part of my mind goes, “Hey, I think he likes me” but then another part says, “You’re only thinking that because you like him. It’s nothing.” And because I like him, I don’t know if I trust my own judgement. It’s… it’s sort of like I can’t tell between what’s real and what I wish were real. Is he holding my hand because he likes me that way, or am I overanalysing everything he does because I’m hoping there’s something behind every little action of his. Do you get what I mean?’

Jackson takes a while to let my reply sink in, but he’s nodding slowly to show he’s paying attention, which I really appreciate.

‘So you don’t dare to believe he likes you, because you like him?’ Jackson sums up.

‘Kind of like that, yeah.’

‘Jinyoung-ah, I get that you’re scared. But maybe you should push that scared, self-preserving part of your mind to the backseat. Do you _believe_ Hyung might have feelings for you?’

‘I don’t know what to believe.’

Jaebum has a girlfriend, and I’ve _seen_ her. I’ve seen them at the amusement park, and I’ve seen him taking care of her in a not attention-grabbing way since we were still in public. Surely he must care for her?

But Jaebum also stayed with me that night I got drunk and pulled my reckless stunt. Jaebum still finds reasons to hug me and puts our heads together, though I can’t remember the last time he took my hand.

I _know_ what I believe in. I believe in lovedefsoul, that safe space he lets me create. I believe in paperback and bluescreen love, trapped in ink or pixels fabricated from clicks at my fingertips. I believe in love stories I can shape and mould to my liking, completely under control.

Maybe that’s the problem with me. Maybe lovedefsoul is both my safe haven and my problem, and Hyesun killed him – for better or worse. I’ve been living so intensely in my stories that I’m scared to take real-world risks with a leap of faith. I’m scared when I screw up with Jaebum in real life, I can’t just delete the story and start over on a fresh page, or go back to make edits. Real life isn’t something I can fix with the backspace key. There’s only moving forward, and the path I’m on isn’t shaped entirely by me.

_In our unending story, again we’re in fiction today._

How do I tell all this to Jackson?

‘This Hyesun is really the confusing factor here,’ comments Jackson. ‘She just… doesn’t fit.’

‘Tell Hyung, not me,’ I mumble.

‘Could…’ Jackson pauses, a brief look of hesitation crossing his features, but he continues, ‘Could Hyesun be… a way of him trying to get over you? Maybe he’s as clueless as you are and doesn’t know you have feelings for him.’

I consider this new angle. Could Jaebum-hyung have been writing his own little fiction with Hyesun? That’s what I _want_ to believe. But if she doesn’t know about it then… poor girl. If Jaebum’s been writing his own fiction, like I’ve been writing mine, then we’re both trapped in parallel worlds that don’t exist, afraid of colliding in the real one. The only difference is I keep mine online in the world of actual fiction, and he’d be playing his out and incorporating other people.

Does Hyesun know about it? The idea of Jaebum using Hyesun like that without her being aware makes me sort of – pity’s not the right word, but it comes close – the girl.

Or – a horrible thought occurs in my head – is this a long-planned setup and he’s just trying to make me jealous? Could Hyesun be in on this? She seems sharp enough. But to drag this lie on for so many months is going overboard and I’d be more likely to hit him than kiss him if that’s the case.

We both silently mull over the idea that Jackson put out in the open for inspection, with only the sound of the ticking clock marking the passing of time. The steady rhythm of our breathing and the clock is suddenly disrupted by the doorbell. I nearly jump out of my seat in fright, but Jackson _actually_ jumps and falls off the sofa, spilling the remainder of his drink on himself.

‘Aw, man,’ he whines, his voice an octave higher.

I look at the little screen, trying to see who this surprise intruder might be. It’s eight in the evening, and I don’t recall making dinner plans.

I feel my heart stop.

‘It’s Hyesun!’ I whisper to Jackson, who’s still trying to clean up the spilled mocktail.

He looks up at me in shock horror.

The doorbell gives another ring. She’s probably not going to be turned away so easily. I wait for Jackson to do what he can about the mess, and as soon as he swipes the drink glasses and dashes into my room, I take a deep breath to steel myself.

_Please be a part of his fiction._

I open the door, and Hyesun instantly meets my eyes. I feel like I’d been X-rayed in that brief flash of connection.

‘H – Hyesun,’ I say, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice, ‘What brings you here?’

‘Jinyoung-ssi,’ she says, and I stiffen at her formality. Things don’t look good.

‘Is something wrong?’

She looks down and seems to hesitate, then takes in a deep breath and looks up at me again, meeting my eyes. Her voice is so quiet, I have to strain a little to hear, but her words are crystal-clear.

‘I know you’re in love with my boyfriend.’


	10. I Will Back Off So You Can Live Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll leave you alone so have a great life,  
> That’s all I can say.  
> I’ll forget about it so have a great life.  
> Be happy even without me.”  
> \- G.Na, 'I Will Back Off So You Can Live Better'

I fucked up. Third-wheeling that amusement park date was a terrible idea, and it backfired, and now I’ve got the girlfriend of the man I’m in love with at my front door.

Well now, how do I respond to that?

I don’t say anything. I just look at her, my mind and heart both racing in panic. My knees feel ready to give way any second.

‘Bad way to broach the topic,’ says Hyesun, a little louder and more to herself. ‘What I mean is, I know you’re in love with Jaebum.’

That doesn’t make things sound any better. She just switched ‘my boyfriend’ with ‘Jaebum.’ Hang on, what _does_ not referring to him as her boyfriend mean?

‘You look… confused,’ she comments.

‘Uhh… come in please, Hyesun-ssi,’ I manage, and I lead her to the living room, hoping she doesn't decide to kill me - literally or otherwise.

She sinks into an armchair, and I sit where I was, before she rang the bell. I wait for her to talk, because I don’t know what’s going on.

‘I think I should come clean first,’ she says, her hands on her knees. She’s not meeting my eyes anymore. ‘When I first met Jaebum, he told me about you.’

I feel my heart pounding in fear. Did Jaebum know all along?

Hyesun looks up briefly and sees the look on my face. She manages a weak laugh, and that’s when I notice there’s a slightly melancholic air about her. I resist the urge to slap my own forehead. _Duh._ Do I expect her to be dancing as she talks to me about this?

‘He said – he said there was this person he’s been admiring for a while now,’ says Hyesun, ‘but nothing ever seemed to happen and this person never seemed to pick up his hints. And… when he first asked me out, he asked me if I was okay with this, with the knowledge that a part of him still belongs with someone he thinks he can’t attain.’

There’s a tremor in her voice, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it cracks at one point. She sounds like she’s just barely controlling her voice, and that she’s choked up with emotion, both at once.

‘I told him I was.’

There it is. The slight crack in her voice. In that moment, all I want to do is go over and give her a comforting hug, but what she’s telling me keeps me glued to my seat.

_Jackson, are you listening?_

‘The months we’ve been together, I was reminding myself that he was only half-mine. I appreciate that he was honest about that, at least.’

So Jaebum was writing his own fiction with Hyesun after all…

‘I insisted he invited you along to the amusement park.’

Here, she looks up at me. ‘Sorry,’ she says, ‘if it made you uncomfortable.’

This isn’t the spunky Hyesun I met earlier today. This is a girl coming to terms with heartbreak. Her face is slightly pink now, with the effort to stop herself from crying. I want to tell her it’s okay to cry, but I stay in my seat, unable to get up and comfort her.

‘It’s okay, Hyesun,’ is all I can bring myself to say, making it a point to drop the formality.

She draws a shuddering breath to calm herself down, and continues, ‘I wanted you to come along today so I could see you two for myself. In those first few months, I was holding onto the vain hope that I could make him get over his feelings for you, that maybe if I did enough, he’d no longer be pining over you and he and I could be happy. I was hoping that you wouldn’t be into him, just like he thought.

‘But then I saw the both of you for myself today, and I realised I didn’t stand a chance. Jaebum’s sweet, but with you – he’s something else. And I saw how you were secretly in love with him too, but he just didn’t notice. Maybe he didn’t dare to notice, since to me it was plain as day.’

 _Didn’t dare to notice_. That’s been my problem too; Jackson was right.

Silence falls between us. I don’t know what I’m expected to do or say; what _is_ expected of me right now? The girlfriend of the man I’m in love with is here to tell me he likes me too, but where does she fit into this messy picture? What’s she going to do next? It would be insensitive of me to ask, when she’s right here with the tears in her eyes threatening to spill.

Another shuddering breath, and she wipes her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

‘I’ve decided to break up with him,’ she says. ‘There’s no point in me clinging onto him anymore, when I know who has a bigger place in his heart. It wouldn’t be right for me to deprive you both of that happiness.’

I want to whoop and shout at the thought that I might be able to be with Jaebum, romantically, but I know it’s not my place to do that right now, not with his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend in front of me. I glue myself to my seat before I do something that might offend her, but it’s taking a lot of effort.

‘Anyway, it’s about time we ended it, with or without you in the picture,’ she adds, and that surprises me. I wait for her to explain.

‘I won a scholarship to do further studies in America,’ she tells me, ‘and I can’t expect him to come with me. His place is here, with you and your team. I figured, if I end up wanting to settle down there for good, there’d be no point in us staying together. I guess – with you in the picture now, at least I know there’s someone to look out for him. I know for sure he'll be happy without me.’

‘H – Hyesun…’ my voice trails off. What could I possibly say to her?

‘I suppose, in another life, or given time, we could be great friends,’ she says with a watery smile. ‘But for now, take care of my idiot to-be-ex, will you?’

She gets up from her seat, and I spring out of mine. Before I can chicken out, I cross over and give her a hug, hoping that will do for both a thanks and an apology, because words might fail me. I feel her hand awkwardly pat my back a few times, and I let go.

‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘for everything you’ve told me. And sorry.’

She smiles, a bit of that liveliness in her that I saw this morning returning. ‘Go get that idiot,’ she says, giving me a light punch on the arm. ‘You’re honour-bound to date him after I break up with him tonight.’

I follow her to the door. Once she steps out, she turns on her heel and meets my eyes again. She lets out a bit of a sigh, and puts out her hand.

‘Well, I guess this is goodbye,’ she says. ‘Take care, both of you.’

‘Look after yourself in America,’ I tell her, shaking her hand. ‘I hope you find whatever you’re looking for over there.’

She nods as we let go of our handshake. ‘I hope so too.’

I watch her as she makes her way to the lift. Before the doors close, she gives me a small, final wave. I close the door and turn around, and nearly jump out of my skin when I notice Jackson standing just a few feet behind me, the biggest grin on his face.

‘When did you get here?’ I ask, my voice an octave higher as I try to calm myself down. I’ve had more than enough scares for a day.

‘You heard everything, didn’t you?’ I ask him.

‘ _Bro_ , do you know how hard it was for me to _not_ run out of that room and scream my thanks at her?’ he says, his eyes wide with excitement. ‘Jaebum-hyung is all yours!’

‘Is it tactless if I try to tell him how I feel right after Hyesun dumps him?’ I ask. ‘I mean, we can’t discount the fact that he must have _some_ feelings for her. What if I upset him?’

Jackson rolls his eyes before placing a firm hand on my shoulder.

‘Jinyoung-ah,’ he says, ‘shut up and get your confession speech ready. Hyesun didn’t come all the way here for you to get cold feet again.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! Sorry for that cliffhanger in the previous chapter haha it was a scene that I had in my head from the beginning. Your comments have been really sweet (and panicky - my bad) and it really encourages me :') I hope you like this chapter! It's a little short, but I was hoping I could finally spare you all the angst and make things less stressful for Jinyoung from here because I've tortured this poor boy enough.


	11. I Confess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I now confess my heart to you  
> only heaven knows my heart  
> at the thought of telling you the truth  
> that I’ve kept so preciously”  
> – FTIsland, “I Confess”

‘Hyung,’ I say, looking down at the single rose I’m twirling in my hand. Slowly, I lift my eyes up. ‘I like you.’ I try for a smile.

My reflection tells me my smile comes out as more of a grimace.

 _No_. I groan and fling myself on the bed, hard. My vision nearly flashes to black, and I squeeze my eyes tight shut until the feeling is gone. I take a deep breath and pick up another rose from the vase on my bedside table. The one I’d just flung on the bed with me just had half the petals fly off.

‘Hyung,’ I try again, ‘we’ve known each other for – pretty long. And there’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with…’

 _No_.

I feel stupid. I can’t Backspace or Select All + Delete this once I’ve gone through with it. It needs to be _perfect_.

‘Don’t chicken out,’ were Jackson’s last words to me before he left, with the biggest smirk on his face that I was half-tempted to slam the door on him so he wouldn’t see me blushing.

When I’m no closer to finding my battle strategy by the time I’ve abused my last rose and the ornate vase lays accusingly devoid of flowers on the table, I decide – perhaps I _am_ desperate enough to ask for help. My fingers linger over my screen as I decide whether or not I should call Wonpil if he’s busy with his own schedule. I make do with dropping him a message, trying to explain as much of the day’s events as I can before scrolling to Jackson’s name. He’s going to gloat and never let me live it down, but hopefully – _hopefully_ – if everything works out with Jaebum, I can live with Jackson’s gloating and reminders of how much I owe him.

*

‘You look,’ I say, giving Jackson a once-over, ‘absolutely ridiculous.’

He’s wearing a black oversized fedora, pulled low over his face, and huge sunglasses. Even though it isn’t cold in the café, he still hasn’t removed his scarf, which hides his mouth from view.

He looks unamused. ‘I could sabotage you and you wouldn’t know,’ he warns.

‘Which he won’t,’ Mark chimes in, sliding through the doorway. At least _he’s_ dressed normally. ‘You could’ve told me the truth that time, Jinyoung-ah.’

He gives a slight pout as he crosses his arms over his chest, and I can’t help but laugh before I greet him with a hug.

‘I told Jaebum-hyung I wouldn’t tell anyone about his girlfriend,’ I say. A pause. ‘Now ex.’

Jackson hands me a Bluetooth headset and I stare at it, before directing my stare at him.

‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ I protest.

‘How else are we supposed to tell you what to say if we hear you messing up?’ he asks.

‘This isn’t a spy mission,’ I tell him.

‘You need about as much help.’

I glare at him, to no effect.

‘He’ll know something is up if he sees this in my ear,’ I remind Jackson, and turn to Mark to back me up.

Mark asks, ‘When are we expecting him?’

‘He should be here in fifteen,’ I say. ‘Why?’

‘Plenty of time,’ decides Mark, and without explaining further, he zips out of the café. I gape after him, then turn to look at Jackson, who looks equally clueless.

Instead of standing around to wait for Mark, whenever he might turn up after whatever idea he had, Jackson takes the liberty to hide a mic deep under the flap of my collar. I made it a point to wear black today so the wire will be less noticeable, and hope Jaebum’s eyes aren’t sharp enough to spot it.

‘Well, if we can’t feed you lines, the most we can do is gives you a thumbs up or thumbs down based on what you’re saying,’ says Jackson, with a defeated sigh.

‘I’m not your avatar,’ I remind him. ‘Don’t even think about making me break dance in the middle of a café.’

‘Couldn’t if I wanted to,’ he grumbles.

The bell in front of the glass door rings to signal someone’s arrival, and I drop into my seat and Jackson scampers to the next table, half-hidden behind some plants. I turn around and try to look like I’m not flustered, when I realise it’s only Mark, looking like he went stationery shopping. He plunks his loot on the table. and I peer inside and see a stack of A4 papers and colourful markers.

‘Since we can’t feed you messages through a headset, I thought we’d just do it the old-fashioned way,’ says Mark, a twinkle in his eyes.

I am _worried_ for how this will turn out. Mark and Jackson bustle back to the table Jackson picked, half-hidden behind the plants. I make sure to sit facing them so at least Jaebum won’t notice them at their tomfoolery. I hope.

The bell at the entrance rings again, and when I turn to look, my heart starts to race at the sight of him. Jaebum spots me without a problem and beams at me; I hope I’m not blushing – no luck, I feel the warmth on my cheeks – as he walks over and takes the seat opposite me. I notice Mark and Jackson dove under their table and out of view the moment he entered, and only just emerge after he’s taken his seat. I try not to let my eyes land on them too much.

‘Good to see you, Jinyoungie,’ says Jaebum.

Being a fic writer, I very eloquently reply with a few quick nods. Lovedefsoul is still out of range.

 _Take his hand_ , says the sign that Jackson is holding up and waving frantically over his head. Some of the other people in the café are turning to look, but since no one is screaming and calling out his name, I guess his stupid disguise is effective, even if stupid.

 _No_ , I want to protest, either by mouthing it or giving a firm shake of my head, but that would alert Jaebum and this whole operation would be a bust.

Mark takes the paper from Jackson, flips it over and scribbles something on the other side. When he raises it, I allow myself a few seconds to read it while Jaebum tells me about his week, starting with the night Hyesun broke up with him.

 _Order food and feed him some of yours_ , says Mark’s sign.

I can do that. I give a single, subtle nod of my head that Jaebum could take as a cue that I’m still listening, and that Mark and Jackson could understand that I’m going to do as they say. Or as Mark says, at least.

It’s going to be a long day. _Date_.

As Jaebum and I fall back into our rhythm of talking to and teasing each other, our food arrives. Grabbing my chance, I smother my pancakes with maple syrup, cut off a bite-sized piece, and pick it up with my fork. I lean in slightly towards Jaebum, my other hand hovering under the pancake piece so that the syrup doesn’t drip onto the tablecloth.

As I’m focusing on Jaebum and coaxing him to eat first so that I can eat too, squeezing in a ‘You’re older so you should try first,’ just to annoy him a little, I notice Jackson from the corner of my eye: he looks like he’s slapping the side of Mark’s arm in excitement, and Mark shoves him away before placing a hand on his lips to tell Jackson to pipe down. Not that Jackson’s making any noise, but he sure is making a scene. How is anyone so _loud_ without making a sound, I wonder in amusement.

‘What’re you smirking about?’ asks Jaebum.

‘Uhhh…’

I feel my face heat up. I glance at Jackson and Mark for help, but all they’re doing is fighting for the paper and markers. I guess I’m on my own.

‘Hyung,’ I start, but I don’t know how to continue from there. I’m suddenly out of words. My eyes stare unfocused at a spot on the table.

‘Jinyoungie, is something wrong?’ asks Jaebum.

And to my surprise, here is when he takes my hand in both of his. My heart leaps in pure joy, but I try not to let myself get too flustered.

 _Tell him!_ says Mark’s paper.

 _Confess_ , says Jackson’s.

Jackson flips the paper he’s holding so that it says, _‘I love you’_ upside-down. I fight back a laugh. Mark sees Jackson’s blunder and slaps the side of his arm once. Jackson looks ready to fight back, but sees his own mistake and drops the paper on the table, picking up a new one that says, _JUST_ _DO IT_. In English.

 _You guys are more trouble than help_ , I wish I could tell them telepathically.

‘Hyung,’ I try again to plough through, and the words get stuck in my throat.

_Why is it so hard?_

‘Hyung, how are you feeling?’ I say instead.

He looks puzzled, and so do Mark and Jackson. Enough to stop squabbling silently behind Jaebum and attracting stares. At this rate, someone is bound to recognise them.

‘I’m all right,’ he says, looking a little confused. ‘Why do you ask?’

 _Hyesun_ , I want to tell him. _She broke up with you and I want to know how you’re taking it. Is it my place to make a move on you now, so soon?_ But I can’t form the words with my mouth even as they play on loop in my mind. It's always so easy to talk to Jaebum until it comes to the matter of how much I like him. How could I tell him that with its full meaning? For some reason, saying 'I like you' can't do it justice. For someone who writes songs, I'm out of words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I hope you like this chapter! Unfortunately these two idiots are both unable to be completely honest with each other and I'm having trouble nudging them to just tell the truth.


	12. Countless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You are my words, my sentences, my whole language  
> Even though I think of something else and I dream of it  
> I eventually speak of you  
> I don’t have to wish a dream counting countless stars  
> I have countless reasons  
> I have countless reasons I stay up all night thinking of you"  
> \- SHINee, "Countless"

If I don’t fear rejection, if everyone’s been telling me that they know how Jaebum feels about me, then why can’t I plough ahead? Why do my words get stuck in my throat and refuse to roll off my tongue when I’m facing him? He’s right here in front of me, and I like him so much, want him so much, but I can’t find the words to tell him.

‘Hyung,’ I try yet again, ‘we’ve known each other for a long time now and… there’s something I’ve always…’

_Tell him._

Jaebum’s leaning forward, either because I’m pulling him into the conversation, or because my voice is trailing off again.

‘Something I’ve always wanted to tell you. I – I don’t know how you’re going to take it, and if things get weird, then I’ll let you be mad at me and avoid me for a while –’

‘Avoid you?’ he suddenly interrupts. ‘Why would I avoid you, Jinyoungie? I could never do that.’

All of a sudden, I feel guilty. Here Jaebum is, telling me he’d never avoid me, when that was what I’d been doing to him the time he was with Hyesun. Didn’t he hurt like I did? Or – a sense of dread creeps up on me – did he not notice?

‘The timing might be wrong, Hyung,’ I tell him, ‘but I shouldn’t keep this to myself any longer.’

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. When I open them again, I see Jaebum watching me from across the table, his expression unreadable. _Don’t turn back_ , I tell myself. _Stop running away_.

I don’t know what I’m doing, but my hands impulsively reach out and hold one of his, even as I keep my eyes glued to the tabletop. I chance a glance up at him and notice the surprise on his face. _Just get on with it, Park Jinyoung_.

‘Hyung, I —’

The words, I can’t say them. It’s just three syllables but when I mean them, they refuse to roll off my tongue. I can feel my heart pounding, feel the blood pulsing in my ears, my face heating up… but the words, I can’t make them come out. I take another deep breath and try again.

‘Hyung, I li—’

Again, they get stuck. It’s funny how I can casually say these things to him on national television and international broadcasts, but not when it matters the most. Why is that? Why should this be any different? Is it because, when on-screen, I had the media’s interpretation of everything I do along those lines as fanservice? I don’t have that buffer here. Right now, we’re not GOT7’s Jaebum and Jinyoung, playing games for the screen. Now we’re two ordinary people who are too afraid to bare our hearts to one another.

‘You don’t have to force yourself,’ Jaebum suddenly says, with a gentle smile.

Jackson and Mark’s jaws drop. I don’t know what exactly I’m to say in response to that either. Did he get tired of waiting for me to say it? Honestly, I’m tired of myself for being unable to say those words. Even now, even with everyone reassuring me everything would be okay, I can’t bring myself to say them.

Jaebum rises from his seat, and I think he’s going to walk out in frustration, but instead he pulls me up from the two hands I still have around one of his. We have our eyes locked the entire time, and I don’t see any frustration or impatience in those familiar eyes. Still, I decide maybe I should let him take the lead.

‘Let’s go for a walk,’ he decides.

I nod. I hear scrambling behind me, and the bell above the door rings, this time to signal people leaving. Mark and Jackson look amused by whatever activity I can’t see behind me, but also look horrified that Jaebum and I would be out of their field of vision. Good. They’re a mess. Jaebum and I walk out, into the fading winter light, me a few steps behind him.

‘The pavement’s too narrow,’ Jaebum comments. He turns back slightly and looks at me, ‘Did you take a cab here?’

I nod.

‘Let’s go to the park,’ he says, and leads me to his car. As my hand lands on the door handle, I remember the last time I was in this car, sitting quietly in the backseat while Hyesun was in my usual spot – only she knew, even if I didn’t back then, that her relationship was at the end of its tether. I feel a slight rush of guilt. I watch Jaebum’s back as he walks over to the other side of the car and gets into the driver’s seat. I give my head a little shake and get in.

The park he decides on isn’t the one near our dorm – now my dorm. It’s a lot smaller, a lot quieter. In fact, as his car pulls into the driveway, it seems to me that we’re the only ones there. At least I know Mark and Jackson can’t hope to mess around if they try to tail us.

I fall into step beside Jaebum as he follows the wide gravel path. I imagine how beautiful this park would be in spring; in winter, the trees are close to bare, and it’s a little chilly. Neither of us talk, even as we pace ourselves to walk at the same speed. I don’t know if Jaebum’s trying to give _me_ a confession instead, having given up on waiting for me to say mine. I wouldn’t blame him. I guess it would be nice.

We both have our hands in our coat pockets and our eyes on the ground. Silence falls between us, but we’re walking so close to each other that one of us occasionally bumps into the other’s side; I feel my face heat up every time that happens. My heart’s pounding loudly again, and I wonder if Jaebum can hear it.

I don’t notice how Jaebum has been closing the already-small distance between us as we walk side by side, until his hand slips into my pocket and holds my cold hand. His hand doesn’t leave my pocket, and I can feel my heartbeat speeding up, pounding louder. He isn’t saying anything, but I quickly glance up at him; he’s avoiding my eyes, looking away, but I see the faint rose colour his cheeks in the fading light.

I wrap my fingers back around his hand. Maybe neither of us ever said the words because they don’t do justice to how we feel. Maybe neither of us will ever be able to say the words ‘I love you’ no matter how much we like each other. Maybe words would shatter this moment, make it embarrassing. Right now we’re enjoying the silent tranquillity of the park, the only sound being our shoes on the gravel with each synchronised step we take. I wish time would stop and I could keep Jaebum’s hand held in mine forever.

*

I guess most people would find it weird, the way Jaebum and I spend the rest of the evening in silence, neither of us breathing a word. It’s as if there’s a spell over us, and the moment one of us speaks, the enchantment would break and we’d go back to being – just friends. Why? Why do we have to walk on eggshells if we want each other so much? Or least, I want him that much, I want him so much it hurts. Isn’t he mine now, with his hand in my pocket, holding mine? Why do I still hesitate?

Jaebum and I wander towards a convenience store across the road from the park. He’s still holding onto my hand, and I’m very aware of the shape of his hand in my pocket, the groove of each gently-bent knuckle, against my side. It’s only as we enter the convenience store that he lets go of my hand and slips it out of my pocket and back into his. I’m a little crestfallen that the magical hours end without words, but I understand his concern if the public is to see us holding hands by ourselves with no cameras rolling.

I fall out of step with him and trail behind as he looks at the instant ramen selection. He pick out four different packets and a few eggs, then turns to look at me for the first time in what feels like ages. I feel my entire face heat up the moment our eyes meet, and quickly direct my gaze to my shoes.

‘Anything else you want, Jinyoungie?’ he asks.

I shake my head as I follow him to the cashier. With our payment made, I watch as Jaebum walks back out the store and starts preparing the ramen and eggs in aluminium trays.

‘We should do this with the others some day,’ he decides, ‘but for today, just us is fine.’

He looks up from the ramen trays to smile at me, his eyes disappearing, and I feel my heart pounding in my ears, louder than ever. He makes to pick up both trays at once, and I rush to his side.

‘Hyung, I’ll help,’ I say needlessly, as my fingers accidentally brush his.

I look up at him, and I feel my heart beating faster, louder, while the rest of the world goes quiet. I know the moment barely lasts, but it seemed then that time froze for us as we stayed with our eyes locked on each other’s.

Jaebum unfreezes first to smile at me. Our faces and bodies are just inches apart, and I wish he’d close that distance, but all he does is pick up his ramen tray and place it on a nearby table. The spell breaks, and I follow his lead. We have our dinner in silence, ramen from a convenience store, but knowing how much he loves instant ramen, knowing he’s sharing something he loves – no matter how simple it is – with me, I’m content.

‘Ah, the stars are coming out,’ I comment, glancing up to find a few finally appearing against the night sky.

Jaebum looks up from his ramen, up at the stars, and I turn my attention up to them again. When we both look away from the evening sky, we meet each other’s eyes again.

‘Jinyoungie, do you want to watch more of them come out?’ he asks.

‘After – after this?’ I stammer.

He nods.

‘We’ve had my ideal –’

Ideal what?

I remember him talking about an ideal date involving holding hands, camping, and getting ramen from a convenience store. Is that what this is, even if he can’t say it? Because neither can I. We both go quiet again.

‘I understand, Hyung,’ I tell him, boldly reaching across the table to gently place a hand on his shoulder.

He looks at my hand on his shoulder, and then smiles at me.

‘Stargazing it is,’ he decides.

‘Hyung, we just ate,’ I remind him, ‘we’ll both get sick if we lie down immediately.’

‘We’re not going to lie down here, Jinyoungie,’ he says with a laugh. ‘I know a place.’

After clearing up our dinner, I fall back into step with Jaebum, less shy now, and slip my hand into his pocket instead. He seems taken aback by this at first, but takes it in his stride, his hold on my hand firm as he laces his fingers through mine. I let him lead me without question, because after today, I’d follow him to the ends of the earth.


	13. Tomorrow, Today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I’m afraid of my decision  
> With an anxious heart heart heart heart  
> I’m standing in front of the next next next choice  
> Between paths that I’ve never gone on before  
> How can I find my way?  
> I’m afraid, day by day”  
> -JJ Project, "Tomorrow, Today"

I follow Jaebum as he leads me back to the park. _What is with him and parks_ , I ask myself with a smile. I’m surprised when he suddenly sits down on the grass. He looks up at me, beckoning me to follow suit. When I take my place beside him, he lies down and folds one arm to support his head. His other hand is still holding mine, even though he’s taken it out of his pocket. Again, I follow him, and then look up at the sky above us. A few more stars have emerged, twinkling gently in the night.

‘Jinyoungie,’ he says, and I turn my head to look at him, thinking I’d meet his eyes, but his are glued to the sky above us. I watch him as he speaks. ‘I know things have been weird for a while, and I’m sorry for what I put you through without knowing… I guess I must have hurt you a lot, and I’m sorry.’

‘Hyung, no,’ I protest, turning my whole body to face him, as I prop myself up on one elbow.

He finally turns to look at me, and I notice his eyes glistening slightly. He gives me a weak smile.

‘I guess I didn’t dare to believe I was so lucky,’ he says.

My heart clenches, both at his apology and at the knowledge that he’d been as afraid as I was. He blinks hard, and the tears fall out of his eyes, trailing down the sides of his face. Before I can stop myself, my other hand reaches out to wipe them away. My hand stays on his face, unwilling to let go. I can’t believe he’s here before me, finally mine. I’m overcome with wanting – wanting more.

I lie back down on my side in the grass, my hand not leaving his face. Our faces are barely an inch apart, and our breaths intermingle as our eyes remain locked. I want him. The feeling intensifies tenfold, and I don’t think I can keep it at bay any longer, not with him so close, my hand on his face. Here goes nothing.

I close that distance, and our lips meet. I feel him flinch backwards a little; startled, I hope, rather than repulsed. But then his hand comes up and caresses the side of my face. I feel the return-pressure of his lips on mine, feel him slightly part his lips. My heart is pounding in my ears as I follow his lead. It’s like the world has fallen away and the only real thing is Jaebum, his lips on mine, his hand on my face, his every touch insistent, sending pulses of electricity through every fibre my body. I never want this moment to end…

I hear the click of a camera’s shutter, and the two of us freeze. The cocoon we encase ourselves in through the kiss dissolves into fear, and we break apart immediately. My heart is hammering again, and for a very different reason this time. I hear Jaebum scramble to his feet and I do the same, half-turning towards him, not daring to utter a word.

‘Hyung,’ I say, my voice cracking, ‘it’s over.’

He’s petrified into silence, and doesn’t seem to hear me. I wish I could close the distance between us again and wrap him in a comforting hug, but right now we might as well be on different planets; he’s out of my reach again, even as he’s standing a few feet away from me.

Jaebum stumbles as he takes a few steps towards the direction of the sound. All is deathly quiet again, so the onlooker must not have snuck away yet. I hear whispers, and then a slap, and then more furious whispering, coming from behind a car which I hadn’t noticed had pulled up not far from us. Were we being tailed all along? Could Jaebum never be mine after all? Even without the threat of his significant other that isn’t me, there will always be the press to worry about.

I hear Jaebum heave a sigh behind me. When I glance at him, I notice the hands on his hips and the slightly exasperated expression.

‘You guys had one job,’ he chides.

‘Okay, we were all ready but we couldn’t interrupt the show,’ came Bambam’s voice from behind the car.

‘Oh my god,’ Jaebum and I say in unison, though probably for different reasons.

There’s the sound of shoes on gravel as Bambam appears before us, hands in his pockets, with the biggest smirk on his face. Yugyeom and Youngjae appear behind him, at least having the courtesy to look embarrassed.

‘We did try to stop him,’ says Youngjae.

‘Wait,’ I say, ‘what was going on?’

Yugyeom walks up to me then, and says, ‘Sorry, hyung.’ Before I know it, he’s tied a blindfold around my eyes.

‘Wait, that the hell—’ I protest, feeling like I’m suddenly playing a game for one of our reality shows again.

‘It’s a surprise,’ says Bambam, unnecessarily adding, ‘you can continue whatever you were gonna do with Jaebum-hyung later.’

I feel my face heat up, and hear him laugh out loud.

‘Youngjae, keep him in check, please,’ says Jaebum.

I hear a smack, presumably Youngjae slapping Bambam. I feel Jaebum take my hand, the familiar shape of it etched into my memory from today. Curiosity takes over, but I know I’m not getting any answers from anyone.

I don’t know how long I walk without knowing where I’m going, but I eventually hear Jackson’s panicked screaming in the distance; something about how the wind was making their job difficult. Jaebum stops walking, and I halt too.

‘Sorry, Jinyougie,’ he says, ‘I guess nature’s not on our side today.’

‘I’d appreciate it more if I could _see_ , hyung,’ I tell him, and he only chuckles.

I feel him walk behind me and take his time undoing the blindfold. He’s unnecessarily close; I can feel his body just inches from mine, and such a simple gesture suddenly feels intimate.

 _Not in front of the kids_ , I think wryly – for a moment I sound like lovedefsoul.

The blindfold comes off, and I see the members’ handiwork: some of the candles had been extinguished, and the wind’s blown a number of the props astray, but I see the large chequered red-and-white picnic mat, held in place by several ice boxes and a few bottles of wine. I notice tangles of string in the branches, dangling wooden clips holding photographs – the wind must have meddled with the arrangement. There were also fairy lights around the mat and tangled in the branches. Jackson and Mark are busy taking out the food and arranging them onto two plates.

I feel something catch in my throat, and turn around to face Jaebum. He has a red rose in his hand, which he’s spinning thoughtfully as he eyes me, as if waiting for my reaction. I feel that if I say what’s really on my mind, I’ll end up crying, so I settle with, ‘The rest of the group were in on this?’

‘It was originally just Youngjae, Bam, and Gyeom,’ he admits, ‘until I was told Mark and Jackson were making a mess behind me.’

‘Who told you?’ I ask, stupidly.

‘Not to interrupt the moment,’ says Youngjae, ‘but we were there in the café.’

‘Yeah, we could see them fighting over the props,’ Yugyeom chimes in.

‘So after you both finally left, we recruited them,’ finishes Bambam.

My heart feels fuller than ever, and their faces blur before my eyes.

‘Thank you, everyone,’ I say.

I take the rose from Jaebum, then reach for his hand. We walk together to the trees, so I can look at all the photos.

‘The food’s going to get cold!’ says Jackson.

‘Let them have their moment,’ Mark tells him.

The photos are arranged more or less in chronological order: as I follow the threads, I see photos of us from our trainee days, to our beginning as JJ Project – I don’t ever need a reminder of my hair back then but I guess no one is going to let me live it down – to our present as GOT7. I see the members start to appear in the frames one by one, Youngjae the last to join us but his effect on Jaebum noticeable.

‘No matter what we are to each other, we’ll always be GOT7,’ says Jaebum, ‘always family.’

‘We will,’ I say, giving his hand a squeeze.

‘Truly JJ Parents,’ quips Mark.

I’m surprised he heard us.

‘ _Parents_ , we’re hungry!’ says Bambam.

Jaebum sighs and shakes his head, a small grin visible on his face.

‘All right, let’s tuck in,’ he says, turning around and leading me back to the mat.

‘Are we getting a show or are you going to behave?’ asks Bambam with a smirk.

Jaebum looks like he’s ready to smack Bambam, but instead starts distributing the plates and wine glasses before taking his seat beside me. We’re all seated in a circle now, and raise our glasses to the sky as another breeze extinguishes a few more candles and Jackson shrieks in exasperation.

‘Bambam’s little stunt with the camera reminded me that we’ll have to be more careful than most couples,’ says Jaebum, suddenly solemn. ‘When I thought Dispatch and the like had already caught us today, I was worried for us, worried for the group.’

‘You’ve got us, hyung,’ says Youngjae. ‘You’ve looked after us all these years. We’ll protect JJ Project – as a duo, as a couple, and as our parents – too.’

‘We’re not actually your parents,’ I remind him with a laugh.

‘If you ever need to get away during schedules t—’ Bambam begins suggestively, but Yugyeom and Youngjae yell and cut him off. Yugyeom wrestles Bambam to the ground, and I hear the two of them laughing between shouts.

‘You’re going to knock over the—’ begins Jackson, and Mark scrambles to his feet and swipes the wine glasses away from the two youngest.

Jackson looks at us, and indicates Bambam with a tilt of his head. ‘I guess every family needs the wayward son.’

I let out a laugh, releasing the tension I didn’t realise I’d been holding in. Tension from what? I see the smile on Jackson’s face at my laugh.

‘It’s okay,’ says Jackson, ‘things aren’t going to be that much different.’

 _How not?_ I want to ask. A couple within the group could affect our overall dynamic. And if we get found out by the press – what then? What’ll happen to us, to GOT7, to every individual member affected by the scandal?

‘If you keep worrying,’ says Jackson, ‘it’ll be hard for both of you to be happy together.’

‘Idols live in fear all the time,’ says Jaebum.

‘You make us sound like we’re being hunted,’ says Mark.

‘In a way, I guess we are,’ says Jaebum. ‘We’re always being watched, we have our privacy invaded, we have our personal lives scrutinised by the world – both our fans and the people waiting for us to mess up. But if we don’t live out of fear, we won’t live at all.’

He takes my hand then, and gives it a squeeze.

‘Jinyoung-ah,’ he says, ‘I know every tomorrow is scary, but we have to live for the today. And I want to live all my todays with you.’

That's all we can do, isn't it? But he makes me see that I'm not alone, that _we're_ not alone. I'm no longer bent over my laptop, writing my own fiction in hopes of what I thought could never happen. Now we're holding the pen to write our story together, and we have the strength of the members helping us hold its weight. I think about the uncertainty of the future, the endless tomorrows that form a road shrouded in impenetrable fog, and see that I have Jaebum beside me and the rest of the group behind us. None of us are going into that fog alone.

 

#######

 

A/N: Hi guys! First of all, I am SO SO SORRY I took forever to update this piece. What with the Burning Sun scandal (laughs in primadonna) and this workshop I'd been attending and life's responsibilities in general getting in the way, I kind of abandoned this fic for the while. I guess I was also grappling with writer's block, because I didn't know how to pick up the story after the previous chapter, and I was wondering if I should end it there. But I also wanted the rest of the members to have their moment, so I brought them in together so I could end on OT7 instead of just JJP.

Anyway, I hope you liked how I finally ended this. I think this is the first fic I actually completed haha but you guys have been so sweet and supportive, and every time I get a kudos or a comment I just :') Thanks once again!! And this is me signing off <3


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